


Anchor: Moments

by AricaZorel



Series: Every Wave of the Storm [2]
Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Awkward Crush, Awkward Flirting, Companion Piece, Cullen Rutherford Fluff, Developing Relationship, Emotional Baggage, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Eventual Romance, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Humor, Lyrium Addiction, Lyrium Withdrawal, Modern Girl in Thedas, Mutual Pining, Past Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Romantic Fluff, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-14
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:14:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 36,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25620421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AricaZorel/pseuds/AricaZorel
Summary: “The story told of Commander Cullen and Lady Anyssa is overly romanticized. At least that is what Cullen will tell you. Anyssa will not publicly comment; she will only give a shy grin if asked about it. The story the public knows, the one Varric perpetuates is not all that occurred between them. If you genuinely want to understand their relationship and why it is so inspirational (and romantic in my opinion), you need to know of these important moments as well.”~Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast, 9:42 DragonCullen and Anyssa grew quite close to one another despite their differing backgrounds. One a former Templar attempting to atone for his past while overcoming a lyrium addiction. The other a historian from a completely different world using her education and skills to get by while overcoming a traumatic experience of her own. This is only part of their story..."I'm falling even more in love with youLetting go of all I've held ontoI'm standing here until you make me moveI'm hanging by a moment here with you"Hanging By a Moment ~ Lifehouse
Relationships: Cullen Rutherford/Original Character(s), Cullen Rutherford/Original Female Character(s)
Series: Every Wave of the Storm [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1871011
Comments: 9
Kudos: 27





	1. Belief

**Author's Note:**

> This is a collection of moments/ideas that came to me as I wrote "Anchor." By the time I wrote most of them, I couldn't fit them into the original story but I still wanted to include them. Each chapter will follow the format of "Anchor" (the title of the chapter serving as a sort of prompt) but I will include information telling where each specific chapter occurs within the confines of the original story (and may be posted in non-chronological order.) These stories I still consider canon for Cullen and Anyssa. I hope they add a little more depth to their story. Please enjoy but be aware as with "Anchor" references to Cullen's traumatic past and lyrium addiction will be made as well as Anyssa's abusive relationship with Bryan.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the reality of her situation sets in, Anyssa experiences a moment of panic and disappears from Haven. How can Thedas be real? How can magic and demons and a hole in the sky be real? How can one former Templar’s words make everything seem real again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Moment takes place between chapter 2 Kindness and chapter 3 Human in “Anchor”
> 
> Just to restate the warning from “Anchor”
> 
> ****Possible Trigger warning****  
> This work contains references to implied emotional and mental abuse in a domestic relationship. Suggested physical abuse is mentioned as well. None of it is graphically described. Cullen’s struggle with lyrium withdrawal, lyrium addiction, his torture at Kinloch Hold, and PTSD struggles are also mentioned in this story. Please note this and do not read if you are sensitive to any of this even being mentioned. As always if you are subject to any kind of abuse or addiction please seek help. There is a way out and there are people willing to help you.

Anyssa McBride watched as mages practiced spells outside the main part of the village. Haven had seen a steady trickle of mages seeking refuge since the conclave explosion. Templar numbers were increasing as well but in fewer numbers. Cullen, a mage healer, an even Cassandra—although be grudgingly--had explained Thedas’ magic to her but she still didn't understand it. It wasn’t slight of hand and misdirection like on Earth. Magic was a fact of everyday life here. One she just couldn’t wrap her head around.

Mages weren’t like Earth’s magicians. Templars weren’t just there to protect the mages. They were the Chantry’s military arm. Anyssa didn’t know what else to call it. They were soldiers trained specifically to fight magic and demons that might be called upon by those connected to the Fade. Now there was another concept she didn’t understand. People in Thedas didn’t simply dream a bunch a bunch of random things put together by their subconscious as their brain tried to figure things out or whatever theory you subscribed to in order to explain dreams. Those with magic were more susceptible to the temptation of demons and spirits living within the Fade. It was beyond anything she had ever imagined.

Magic was real. Dwarves, elves were real too. Tall muscular beings with horns were real. Dragons were real. A gigantic swirling green hole in the sky was real. The whole termed the Breach by the Inquisition was apparently a gateway to the Fade. More things that didn’t seem possible.

She was in a medieval time, place…everything she had studied in school. Even her job had involved historical items from Earth’s medieval past. Now it was real, with things from what she had once considered fantasy thrown in. Tolkien would have had a field day.

Anyssa glanced at the mages again and then at the Breach. She began walking away from Haven, away from the shore of the frozen lake. The eerie green glow from the Breach reflecting on the ice. She walked. Her mind numb. It couldn't be real. This Lord of the Rings inspired world had to simply be a dream, a hallucination. A few weeks in the new world called Thedas and it still felt like it wasn't real.

She had to be in a coma or simply unconscious back on Earth after falling in the lake. She was simply dealing with the trauma by fanaticizing about things related to her career, her schooling, her interests. How could it all be real?

She walked in a state of disbelief for how long she did not know. She had been told not to stray from Haven but at the moment she didn’t care. Nothing was real. If her life was gone, what did it matter? She was alone here as she had been on Earth. What could she do now? How would she survive in this new world if she could not return home? How could she relearn everything? Would the Inquisition continue to protect her if they finally realized how useless she was?

Tears began running down her cheeks, but she made no move to wipe them away. She was stuck in a land that used magic without technology. All her knowledge and studies had never truly prepared her for living in an actual medieval culture. She balled her hands into fists. When she wished for a fresh start _this_ was not what she had in mind.

“I can't…”

Anyssa repeated as a mantra even when she came to a stop in view of a stone bridge. She stood there staring at the damaged structure, pulling she light shawl tighter around her shoulders. “I can't …I can't…”

“You can't what, Lady Anyssa? You will catch your death out here without the proper clothing,” a voice called from behind her.

She didn't register who it was, only continued to stare at the bridge, feeling as broken as it appeared. Broken. Alone. She couldn’t--

The voice spoke again closer this time. “Lady Anyssa, you must come back to Haven. It is not safe out here for you.”

Urgency. Concern. She didn't understand. Why care? It couldn't be real.

Snow crunched under heavy footfalls. The Inquisition’s Commander came into view, blocking the view of the bridge. Worry was in his golden-brown eyes. _Why?_

“My lady, _please_. Come back to Haven with me.”

He was so sincere. _Why?_

“Why? I don't belong here. Why do you care? I'm not one of your people!” she all but yell at him. Her resolve broken; her emotional dam destroyed. Nothing would be held back now.

A bewildered look spread across the Commander’s face. He stretched his hands towards her. “The Inquisition has taken in numerous refugees. You essentially are one. You can remain here until a way for you to return home is found.”

She batted his hands away. “No. Why do _you_ care? You are always watching over me, checking up on me. You're important. I'm not.”

“My lady, please do not think that,” Cullen pleaded. “Surely there are those who would miss you.”

She turned her back to him. “Not really. The ones that would are gone or I drove them away.”

Anyssa heard him take a step towards her. “Lady Anyssa, I know this must be all very strange to you but if you give us a chance you will acclimate to it …until you are able to return home.”

“Why do you call me that? I'm no lady.”

“Etiquette calls for it with the background Leliana and Josephine have concocted for you …And my mother raised me to attempt to at least be a gentleman,” he explained, his tone a little lighter as he took another step towards her.

“She succeeded,” Anyssa observed, her anxiety lessen just a little by talking to him. Was that what he was trying to do? “You are probably the most chivalrous man I've ever met.”

She turned slightly to look at him. “You care even though you don't know me.”

“You are under the Inquisition's protection,” he said automatically. A military man to the core. Straight to the point, all about duty, no room for personal emotions or attachments.

Anyssa gave him a hollow laugh. “You are a terrible liar and believe me I've known plenty good ones. One even convinced me he loved me…”

Cullen was silent for several long moments, apparently not knowing how to respond. After a moment her stammered out, “I --I would never lie to you.”

His golden eyes pierced her very being, urging her to believe him. Part of her desperately wanted to; he had been so kind to her since her arrival. More accurately, since he had rescued her from the frozen lake surrounded by demons.

Her prolonged silence must have frustrated him. Sounding as if he was offended that she might still believe he wasn’t telling the truth, he stated firmly, “I do _not_ lie.”

Despite the part that wanted to believe him, her past experiences told her otherwise. She said skeptically, “I’m afraid you’ll have to prove that, Commander.”

“As you wish, my lady,” he acquiesced in a low tone. He added with a half grin, “I will endeavor to do so through my actions.”

“Alright,’ she said feeling a little better. How could a simple conversation with him do that? For the first time since her arrival she felt like she might be able to try to live this new life. The fact he kept grinning at her shyly gave her just enough confidence to attempt a tease. “But you still can't lie.”

He looked at her hard. “I wasn't lying, and I do not take kindly to being called a liar.”

The Commander’s tone led her to believe something in his past troubled him regarding lies. Did someone lie to him or had he lied to someone and he was living with the consequences? Either way, she had far too much personal experience with liars to desire talking of it further. “I did not call you a liar. And if you were telling the truth then you left something out.”

She could tell he was somewhat amused at her change in attitude. Slowly Cullen admitted, “As you say Lady Anyssa …I may have taken on your personal safety as a duty.”

Feeling shock at his words, Anyssa couldn’t help her question. She expected no one to care. “Why? You have duties. You're a busy man.”

“I know what it is to feel lost. I don't want that for you,” he admitted sincerely. There it was again. The softer side of the military man she barely knew. He tilted his head with a smirk. “And you did appear out of a rift almost _literally_ at my feet.”

“Are--are you teasing me, Commander?” She asked hesitantly. The concept of good-natured teasing was almost completely foreign to her at this point in her life.

“Yes,” he replied with another smirk.

“Your soldiers say you don't know how,” Anyssa commented trying to deflect his attentions.

“They are soldiers ...you are …something else entirely,” Cullen explained quietly. Anyssa had never heard it with other people. Why was he treating her so differently? Treating her as if she might be special?

“I've --you've noticed me since the rift?” she said aloud, confused. She truly didn’t understand. “You act as if I'm something special.”

“It is hard not to notice a flailing woman in a frozen lake near rift with demons all around,” he replied matter-of-factly.

So that was the reason. He had rescued her, taken her safety as a personal duty because she was what? A danger? She had been thrown out of a rift surrounded by demons. Something she had come to understand that posed a great risk to the people of Thedas. As a former Templar, the Commander had been trained to deal with them. He believed there was a chance she was one or possessed…

“So it's because I might be a demon –“

“No!” He exclaimed loudly. “It's because you are very lovely woman—"

Anyssa watched as he clamped his mouth shut, his jaw set as she found herself smiling despite everything. It felt good.

“I—I mean—That is…we were in the middle of a battle with demons…My attention was on keeping the Fade sent woman at my feet alive,” he attempted to explain as she continued to smile, wider. He meant every word.

His shoulders slumped as he added in a defeated voice, “I do not think you are a demon…You are simply—I mean—I—You—"

“I was overwhelmed..” Anyssa interrupted, taking pity on the embarrassed Commander. “I didn’t mean to cause you to worry or imply that you have ulterior motives for watching over me.”

He nodded. “I must apologize…I should not have raised my voice.”

They regarded each other in silence shyly meeting each others gaze and looking away quickly. Could he really be shy? The Commander of the Inquisition’s army was shy? Around _her_?

“Cullen.”

“What?” Anyssa asked, his voice breaking through her thoughts.

He cleared his throat, a boyish grin on his handsome face. “Cullen. That is my name. I would like you to call me that.”

She listened to him rush out the words almost as if he were afraid to lose the courage to say them. She smiled again. “I--I can do that.”

Cullen raised his eyebrows in surprise. “Really?”

“Yes,” she admitted shyly, as she hesitantly looked up at him as he nervously rubbed the back of his neck. He was nearly a whole head taller than her, but in that moment he wasn’t intimidating. He was just a man trying to be sincere to a woman who had caught his attention. She didn’t have to understand why she had his attention to know that the Commander didn’t readily let himself do so.

“Oh good,” he replied in a relieved tone with a grin, lowering his hand back to his side.

She glanced up at the Breach in the darkening sky. “I suppose we should head back. I've kept you away from your duties long enough with my foolishness.”

Cullen signed as if reluctant to go back. “As long as you are feeling better…”

“I am,” Anyssa answered honestly. Perhaps adjusting to her new circumstances would not be as difficult as she had believed. Perhaps this was real. Perhaps things weren’t as bleak as she had imagined. “Thank you, Cullen.”

He gave her a gentle smile as he offered her his arm. “You …you can come to me if you have further foolish impulses.”

Feeling self-conscious, she took his arm but did not look at him. “I will keep that in mind.”

They walked in silence for a time until he asked timidly, “Will you have dinner with me, my lady?”

She looked up at him to find an adorable set of puppy dog eyes looking back waiting for a response. How could she say no? “Yes.”

His face lit up as he said, “Oh, good.”

A second later he added quietly, “You can't give up, Anyssa. Please don't.”

She realized as he said that he must have been following her for longer than she thought, overhearing her quiet mantra of ‘ _I cant_.’ Shame began to take over until a gentle squeeze of her arm caught her attention. She saw him gazing straight ahead but smiling. “I won't let you give up.”

It had been a long time since _anyone_ had held such a firm belief concerning her. Despite the doubt gnawing at her, she found herself wanting to believe him.

For the moment that simple belief from a man she was only starting to know was enough.


	2. Choices

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa begins to notice just how hard Cullen is pushing himself to ensure the Inquisition’s new home is secure. When urging him to take a much needed break she learns of a very specific reason for his dedicated efforts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This Moment takes place between chapter 21 Circle and chapter 22 Friendship of “Anchor”

Anyssa McBride made her way through the rotunda Solas had claimed as his area and crossed the stone bridge towards one of the towers which flanked the gate into Skyhold. The left most tower was apparently to be the Commander’s office. It still needed lots of work, but Cullen had been adamant that it would serve his purpose. It was later when he admitted to her albeit reluctantly that the loft space was to be his bedroom. That fact she was less than thrilled with but one of the things she had come to count on in Thedas was the man’s stubborn streak. He wouldn’t be swayed by her no matter how hard she tried.

Currently, her objective in seeking him out was not to talk him out of his choice in sleeping spaces but to check on him. Both Evie and Cassandra had come to her in that morning expressing concerns that the Inquisition’s Commander might be pushing himself too far. After making a promise that the events of Haven would not occur again at Skyhold to the Inquisitor, Cullen had not given himself a moments rest. She had seen him only a hand full of times where he was not doing something. But Anyssa knew him well enough by now to know he was thinking about what he should be doing or things that needed to be done or just simply planning for worst case scenarios.

Having cleaned her own chosen space a little more and finishing her duties for Josephine for the moment, Anyssa decided to take the opportunity to seek out the Commander. His men had said he had retreated to the tower, with the intention of planning how to arrange his office and determine what repairs needed to be made. He had requested to be left alone until the afternoon unless an emergency arose. He had left very specific instructions pertaining to that. That signaled to her that something was wrong, and she wondered if she should bother him, but Cassandra and Evie’s concern convinced her to press on.

As she neared the tower’s door she noted the guards making their rounds along the battlements. They gave her a nod of acknowledgement but that was it. Her presence around the Commander had become something they had grown accustom to while in Haven. Their new home at Skyhold had not changed that. She found a sense of peace knowing that. It was foreign to her but not unwelcomed.

Knocking on the door, she heard no response. She knew from the guards that he was in there; he just didn’t want to be bothered. Apparently that included her. For half a second she considered leaving him be, but she couldn’t. Not when he had taken on her personal safety as his responsibility. Not when he had admitted to being afraid for her during the avalanche that had nearly claimed her life after Haven. He went the extra mile for her. How could she do any less?

She knocked again, a little louder. “Cullen? I know you’re in there. Please let me in.”

She waited patiently until the door creaked open slowly, revealing a tired looking Commander. “You shouldn’t be here. I am not in the best…I would not be good company at the moment.”

She tilted her head. She knew he suffered from headaches, sometimes migraines and that he often worked himself to exhaustion. The historian had pieced together that he might even suffer from some form of PTSD after the events at Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall. She still didn’t know everything, but she knew enough to know that it had been traumatic.

“Do you really want to be left alone?”

The blond soldier exhaled slowly, leaning heavily against the door frame. “I would…I would prefer if you did not see me like this.”

Her level of concern grew as she asked, “Like what? Cullen, you’ve been working non-stop since we arrived at Skyhold. Really before that. The journey here wasn’t easy, and you worked so much in Haven. What is wrong?”

“ _Nothing_ is wrong. I have my duties to attend to and I need to make preparations for this to be converted to my office,” he gritted out, his brow furrowed from pain or frustration she wasn’t sure. “I do not have time to—”

“Cullen, please…”

“Anyssa, I am _fine_. Please don’t ask—”

“You are _not_ fine, and you said you would not lie to me,” she snapped loudly, drawing the attention of the guards. “Are you going to start lying _now_?”

The Commander drew up to his full height, his jaw clenched. Anyssa had no doubt that if it had been anyone else he would be dressing them down thoroughly. But as he had noted, she was not one of his men. She stood her ground despite the voice in the back of her mind that urged her to run. She was treading on dangerous ground with the Commander, but he wouldn’t hurt her. He wasn’t Bryan and she had to believe that. This was a different place, a different person.

“No,” he said quietly, his tired expression returning. “I won’t lie to you.”

Before she could respond, he moved out of the door way, allowing her to finally enter the tower. She did so quietly, taking note of the sunlight filtering in through the floorboards overhead. There was a fireplace, several narrow windows, pieces of abandoned furniture, and a ladder going up to the loft. As she turned her attention back up to the second floor, she thought she saw vines growing along one or two of the walls and through the evident hole in the ceiling.

As the door shut behind her, Cullen stated with a half-hearted chuckle, “It needs some work.”

She turned back to him, knowing he was trying to hide what was bothering him. He didn’t want to worry her, to be a burden, to be weak in her eyes. Why couldn’t he believe that she would never see him that way? Even still being new to Thedas and its people, she could not believe him to be weak. Battered and dented maybe but not broken. _Never_ broken.

“Cullen, why—”

“I didn’t want to worry you,” he confessed before she could finish as his shoulders slumped. “I see that I have failed even in that.”

She shook her head, hating to see him so defeated. “Evie and Cassandra expressed their concerns to me.”

The Commander made an annoyed sound as he said, “They have their own affairs to worry over.”

“They are your friends. Aren’t they?” she prompted as she considered the fact that he had never made mention of having friends in Kirkwall.

Cullen closed his eyes, taking a breath. “I…It has been a very long time since I considered anyone as such. I am unaccustomed to have anyone consider myself as such either.”

“But they do, and they don’t want you to overwork yourself,” Anyssa pointed out. Could she convince him that people cared for him? That it was okay to let others care? Did she really have a leg to stand on considering her own situation? She pushed aside those doubts and carried on. “How can you be the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces if you do not take care of yourself?”

He opened his eyes to look at her. “You are here only because of their request?”

Anyssa thought she detected a note of disappointment in his voice. Had he wanted her to come on her own? That thought was new to her, that someone wanted her to worry about them. She filed it away for consideration later as she admitted, “That isn’t the only reason…It was just an excuse.”

“An excuse?” he echoed in a confused tone.

“I—umm—I wasn’t sure you’d let me see you unless you knew Cassandra and Evelyn were worried…”

“Maker’s breath, is that what you think of me?” he asked in frustration as he balled his hands into fists. “I never meant to drive you away…I have been busy seeing to Skyhold’s defenses. To make sure Haven does not happen again. So that you and the Inquisitor and our people are safe—”

“ _Me?”_

She watched as he palmed his face, his hand remaining there as she realized he hadn’t meant to say that out loud. She was part of the reason he had been pushing himself so hard, to the point where he was exhausted and experiencing severe headaches? Once again she was caught off guard by more evidence pointing to the fact people cared about her. That _he_ cared for her.

As evenly as she could she said, “We all appreciate your efforts and your dedication to keeping us safe. You _know_ that. It’s why Cassandra asked you to be the Commander. But…”

She trailed, not sure how to phrase the next part and afraid of how he would react to it. Slowly, softly she went on, gathering her meager amount of courage, hoping it was enough, “But you can’t work yourself to death. You can’t protect people if you are exhausted, if you push yourself too hard. You can’t protect me if you don’t take care of yourself. Is that what you are choosing to do?”

She watched as his hand fell away. His voice was raw with emotion when he spoke, “I _have_ to do this to protect you.”

Anyssa shook her head as she went to him, holding his gloved hands tightly. “No. No you don’t. Your efforts are enough, Cullen. You don’t have to work yourself to death to fix anything or to protect me. How can you protect me if you die because you push too hard?”

A shadow fell over his face as his hands squeezed hers. There was something he wouldn’t tell her that was weighing heavily on him. She wouldn’t push but he needed to take a break if only for a few hours. Searching her mind quickly to fix the problem, to avoid causing him anymore stress, she suddenly remembered the horses that had accompanied Master Dennett to Skyhold a week ago. One had been brought specifically for Cullen while the Commander and Horse Master had picked out a smaller one for her to learn to ride.

She began moving towards the side door closest to the lower courtyard, pulling at the Commander to follow. “You need a break _and_ you promised me a horseback ride when you picked out Argo.”

He looked at her skeptically. “I have work and I am in no condition—"

“If you are worried about rumors circulating because you are going riding with a woman just say you were making sure the Inquisition’s historian remembers how to ride and doesn’t embarrass herself by falling off her horse or something,” she suggested tugging at his hand again. This time she wasn’t going to take no for an answer.

He tugged back, his minimal effort enough to pull her back to his chest. “You can't be serious.”

“You need a break. It would get you out of here for a little while away from all these problems,” she said softly, realizing how close they were. While she believed he had not meant to pull her so close, she was sure he was not going to push her away either. He never pushed her away when they happened to be near. Yet another thing pointing to his acceptance of her…

He made a face to protest, but it died in his throat as soon as she said, “Please, Cullen? Please? You promised.”

Despite the lingering doubts she knew he had and his headache and exhaustion, his expression softened as he said, “As you wish, my lady.”

****

Anyssa had fully intended to ride her horse, Argo, or even behind Cullen but the Commander clearly had other ideas. She instead found herself wrapped up in his cloak sitting in front of him. His arm holding her securely in the saddle as he led the war horse down trails the army patrolled daily. Within the first 15 minutes of leaving Skyhold she felt him relax. Smiling at the success of her impromptu plan, his voice jarred her out of her thoughts.

“You have been feeding my horse apples.”

“What?”

“The stable hands say you visit my horse daily. With treats,” Cullen clarified.

“Um yes?” She replied not sure if she were in trouble or not.

“He is a _war_ horse. He is _massive_ compared to you. He could _hurt_ you,” the Commander pointed out.

Anyssa disagreed. “No he wouldn't. Ajax is a gentle horse inside. He knows how to be a war horse through his training but that doesn't mean that's all he is.”

She squeezed the former Templar’s hand as she said, “You are alike I think. You are so much more than what you’ve been trained to do.”

“Nyssa…”

“I feed him peppermints too,” she admitted cheekily. “He likes them better than Argo does.”

Cullen gave up trying to argue as he said, “My horse is going to like you more than me.”

Anyssa giggled. “It's alright Cullen. You'll always have me.”

The Commander focused on the path ahead wondering how much she meant that offhanded statement. What if the lyrium took him? What if he did what she feared and worked himself to death? What would happen to her? What if she found a way home? Even after telling him she wanted to stay, what if a real way for her to return to Earth was found? Would she change her mind then?

He contemplated those bleak futures as she held his hand remarking about various things alone the path. Would he want to overcome the lyrium if only to live a life of duty but nothing more? Could he chose more?

******

They had ridden further than Anyssa had ever been from Skyhold since their arrival three weeks prior. She was beginning to wonder how long they had been riding when Cullen shifted in the saddle.

“Cullen?”

“I think Ajax deserves a rest,” he replied indicating a clearing nearby.

He urged the horse to it and dismounted. Tying the reins to a tree he motioned for her to slide off. Catching her easily the former Templar set her down with no effort and walked toward the clearing. Anyssa watched as he looked away in the opposite direction of Skyhold.

He had been quiet for much of the ride. Deep in thought she supposed but of what she wasn't sure. He seemed contemplative most often when he struggled to rectify something that had occurred either with his own views or his emotions. She wasn’t sure what he struggled with now, only that it might have something to do with her. She felt egotistical for thinking that, but the thought remained.

Once again she was startled by his voice. He still seemed tired but not as stressed. “I suppose in a way I owe the Breach my ability to lead a growing army. It gave the Divine’s Inquisition something to unite against. I can find duty again in serving the Inquisition and its cause. I can help end the chaos whose seeds were planted so many years before.”

He paused and chuckled to himself. “It should make no sense. None of this should. Leaving the Order and then picking up the pieces of the Templars. Recruiting mages to help. Sealing a breach caused by an unknown magic. And then there is you.”

“Me?” Anyssa said in surprised.

“Yes. _You_ ,” Cullen repeated as he turned back to her. “You fall out of a rift almost literally at my feet from an entirely different world.”

She watched as he began walking back to her. “You shouldn't even be here.”

Anyssa blinked. Was he serious? He had told her before after the avalanche that he would miss her if she left, that he would continue to protect her if she stayed. She began backing away as she stammered, “I—I'm sorry. I thought --I'll go – “

“What? Go? Why?” Cullen asked confused as he approached her, gently reaching out to grasp her hand.

“You said that I shouldn't be here,” she replied quietly, glancing down at the glistening snow.

The Commander's expression softened as he said, “Maker’s breath, that --I did not mean it like that. I meant that under normal circumstances you would not be here not that your presence isn't welcomed here.”

He rested his hands lightly on her shoulders. “Maker knows you have helped me stay true to my choices to do better, to be better.”

“I just …care,” she stated simply continuing not to look at him.

“And because of that I hear _your_ words, _your_ voice over the doubts of my past,” he marveled with a grin as he pulled his cloak tighter around her. “The fact that is possible ….it means _everything_ to me.”

“Cullen,” she murmured blushing profusely as she stared at his chest.

“Truly, whether you believe in the Maker or not your presence here is a gift I cherish. For however long you remain with us.”

His sincerity pulled her eyes back to his. His golden-brown eyes still tired but there were no signs of the headache she had suspected he’d had earlier. “You really mean that?”

“Of course, Nyssa. I have never lied to you,” Cullen answered earnestly. “And I am happy the Inquisition has been able to offer you shelter while you are here. We continue to benefit from your knowledge and expertise with you as historian.”

She knew her expression shifted just a bit as she gazed up at the sky, towards the area of the Breach. “You keep mentioning when I leave. I’ve told you that I don’t want to leave. That I am sure and that I have made up my mind. I don’t want to leave you! Why do you keep doubting that?”

The Commander felt all of emotions well up inside him he had been purposefully avoiding. He had known those words from her would affect him more than he cared to admit. “You--You would stay in Thedas…because of _me_? You would be giving up your world…I can’t ask you to do that.”

“You weren't the only one who wished for a new life,” Anyssa stated tersely. “And you haven’t asked me to do anything of the kind. This is _my_ choice.”

He sighed. She had still been elusive about some of her past, but he knew enough that her relationship with Bryan had been the greatest source of pain for her. “It _is_ your choice. I pray you make it for the right reasons.”

She opened her mouth as if to say something but hesitated. Couldn’t he see that he was one of those reasons? Or was it that he didn’t know how to accept that. “Do you …Would me staying …help you?”

Cullen felt his heart beat faster at her words. Of course it would help. He wanted her to stay but could he, in good conscious, tell her that? Never mind all the feelings whirling around his soul at the prospect.

“I want …what is best for you first. _Always_ ,” the Commander replied choosing his words carefully. “But if you stayed ….my promise to protect you stands. Just as I said before but…”

He paused watching her carefully as he added quietly, “It would help me greatly if you remain …But greater than that I …it would make me very happy to see you smile each day.”

The whole time he had been speaking Anyssa had been holding her breath. At his final admission she let it out as she threw herself into his arms. Holding on to him tightly she heard his noise of confusion as she whispered, “I don't want to go. I don’t. Please believe me.”

With an arm around her waist and the other resting on her shoulders protectively he promised, “You do not have to go. No one will make you leave. If they try, they will answer to me.”

“But –“

“No,” Cullen stated firmly. “You have a choice here. No one will take that from you. If I can choose to try and be a better man you most certainly deserve a chance at a new life. If being here is truly what you want …”

“It is …as long as you are included in that life,” she said looking up at him. “And you take care of yourself…or you let someone help you to.”

The Commander smiled at her. “I …have never…You are truly remarkable.”

“I'm just me, Cullen.”

“You are a gift I cherish and will try every day to be worthy of that,” he replied as he caressed her cheek tenderly. “I will…I will try harder to look after myself. You have my word.”

He could tell she wanted to argue but decided against it. Instead she hugged him, laying her head on his shoulder. Her goal had been to distract him from what bothered him, from his stress, from the extra responsibilities he placed upon himself. She asked only a few questions of him, enough to gauge how troubled he was. She hadn’t inquired further. Instead she talked him into taking a break. Was that what it was like to have someone care for you?

He could barely remember having anyone since leaving Honnleath care about him as the members of the Inquisition did. How Anyssa did. It was new but not unwelcomed. He had been truthful when he admitted he would miss her and that seeing her smile each day helped him. He had never counted on her reciprocating his own efforts though. He still didn’t consider himself worthy of her attention, her concern, her smile. But he would continue to try to be worthy, to be better, to at least keep his promises to her and the Inquisition.

He was free now. Free to choose. And he chose to be better.


	3. Facts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa finds out that Cullen believes Lake Calenhad looks like a bunny. Fluff ensues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This 'moment' takes place between chapter 49 'Red Lyrium' and chapter 50 'Home' in "Anchor"

“If you squint, Lake Calenhad looks like a bunny.”

Cullen peered up from the pile of reports, lists, inventories, letters, and other correspondence that seemed to follow him no matter where he went. “Pardon?”

“You _actually_ said that during the War Council meeting this afternoon,” Anyssa stated as she walked over to him, the door to her quarters latching shut behind her. It was near sunset and while she usually finished her work well before then, he did not. In fact, it had become a routine for her to help him finish up his work if she could, so they had time to themselves.

“I—ah—”

“ _Don’t_ try to deny it,” the historian cautioned as she came to stand behind him. Her hands rested on her hips indicating deflection would not work. All he wanted to do was complete his task so he _could_ spend time with her. “Josephine and Leliana told me about it.”

The Commander made a face as he turned farther in his chair to glance up at her. He had retreated to her quarters to catch up on his work, hoping no one would be the wiser. As the Inquisition drew ever closer to ending Corypheus, the demands for his time and attention increased. At the moment he had commandeered Anyssa’s desk, hoping to work in peace. It appeared she had other ideas.

“I _may_ have made that comment in passing,” he offered hoping to avoid a conversation about it. But knowing the Earth woman as he did, she wouldn’t let it go. Not yet at least. She loved to tease him, at least in private. She had come so far since being deposited in Haven by a Fade rift. She still faced some issues regarding her past trauma on Earth as he had his own, but together they had built each other up, supporting each other. Making each other stronger…

The honey blonde cocked an eyebrow as she leaned against the desk beside him. “Why would you say that?”

“It was merely a random thought. Nothing more,” he insisted, looking up at her as the light from the mountain sunset cast a halo of light around her. Her hair highlighted by a golden aura. She truly had no idea how lovely she was.

“You were _supposed_ to be going over the reports from the field. The ones that I put together with Dagna and Harding about likely places for Corypheus or his forces to still be hiding in based on the information we gathered about the red lyrium deposits,” she scolded as she crossed her arms. He watched her carefully, knowing full well she weren’t genuinely angry. She was playing at something. “Yet, the Commander of the Inquisition’s forces is contemplating what Ferelden geographical features resemble instead.”

Cullen growled in mild annoyance. Why did Josephine and Leliana have to include Nyssa in their gossip sessions? “I _did_ go over those reports. I did consult with Leliana and Josephine on what to do about the leads we have. I _did_ brief the Inquisitor on all of this. That is until she decided she absolutely could not do without a cup of Antivan coffee after Josephine mentioned she received some from her family this morning. We spent half an hour waiting for Evelyn to return with a freshly brewed cup. Half. An. Hour.”

Anyssa grinned as he punctuated the last several words. “See? You _did_ say it.”

“Maker’s breath! I have already admitted that, Nyssa!” Cullen exclaimed in exasperation. She was doing this on purpose. Why did she insist on riling him up? Before arriving in Skyhold, she never had. “What more do you want?”

Insufferably pleased with herself, she answered haughtily as she tossed her hair over her shoulder, “Just for you to admit that you get bored during the meetings sometimes. That you _aren’t_ always business. That you let your mind wonder and think of frivolous things.”

“You think I am all business all the time?” Cullen asked critically as he turned in his chair to face her completely. They had only started their relationship no more than a month and a half ago. Leading up to that, they had grown steadily closer since her unconventional arrival in Haven nearly a year ago, overcoming several personal trials to achieve it. Surely she knew him well enough to not believe what she had just stated.

“ _That’s_ the image you project,” she observed eyeing him pointedly. “You want your men to see you as competent and respectable. You want to intimidate the Orlesians and other nobles so they will leave you alone. That image does those things.”

He narrowed his eyes. Her ice blue eyes met his in a challenge as he remarked, “That is _not_ what you see me as…or at least that is what I believed. You know my thoughts are not always on business.”

“I don’t know,” she replied in a sing-song tone as she shrugged. “You came to my quarters to work. _Not_ to see me.”

And there it was. She wanted his attention. _Undivided_ attention. She had never been able to come out and ask for it. Usually Cullen picked up on her cues and acted accordingly. Still new to being in a relationship with her, he was unaccustomed to a bid for attention through teasing. Cullen was a quick study though. Two could play that game.

“Yes. I admit it. I became bored and let my mind wander,” he conceded, throwing up his hands as if in defeat. “I once lived in the middle of said lake and am well acquainted with its outline. And _yes,_ it does resemble a bunny.”

She let out a breath, blowing a stray strand of hair out of her face as she studied him. “ _But_ you still work all the time. I don’t know what other thoughts you could possibly have.”

“Oh, _really_?” the Commander said as he let an impish grin spread across his face.

Anyssa caught the glint of mischief in his eyes and tensed. “Cullen, what are you—”

She was cut off when he lurched forward, grabbing her by her waist, and depositing her in his lap. She squealed in surprise as he wrapped his arms around her, keeping her firmly planted in his lap.

“Cullen!” she exclaimed as he moved to nuzzle the hair behind her ear with his nose.

“Yes, Anyssa,” he replied innocently. He was still learning how she liked to be held, how she liked to be touched, what her boundaries were. But this? _This_ was something he knew would cause her to drop her pretense of being annoyed.

“What are you doing?” she asked, sounding preoccupied as she titled her head giving him more access.

He grinned as he moved to rub his stubbled cheek against her throat and jaw. “Proving you wrong. My actions have proved more useful in the past than my words where you are concerned.”

Cullen felt her squirm against him as he began placing butterfly kisses along her jawline to her lips. “How am I fairing thus far?”

Anyssa hummed in contentment as he splayed a hand across her stomach, encouraging her to stay still. “Very convincing so far.”

“Good,” he murmured against the corner of her lips. “Perhaps I should begin presenting additional unprompted facts for you to scrutinize…What results is…very motivating.”

“I…I could…get used to that,” she stammered as she feathered a hand through his hair, dislodging his styled hair. The carefully applied hair wax snapping with each stroke allowing wild curls to tumble across his brow.

“I _might_ do that if you admit that I am not always engaged in work.”

“I—I don’t—”

He moved to nip at her ear, sending a shiver throughout the historian’s entire being. “I can start reciting troop deployments and activities. Inventory lists. Requisitions…That won’t lead to anything you would want to…”

“ _Cullen!”_ Anyssa whined as she turned to look at him with an expression that both scolded him and beseeched him to not finish his thought.

He grinned innocently as he stated evenly, “The word _Ferelden_ originated in the Alamarri tongue. It means fertile valley.”

Anyssa rolled her eyes as he smiled smugly. “Really, Cullen?”

He nodded and then began kissing up her neck as she settled against him once again. “It’s considered good luck to feed a stray dog in Ferelden.”

She giggled as she tugged on his hair, acquiescing to his reasoning. “Ok. I believe you. You don’t always work.”

“No, I don’t. I have to make time to pay attention to you,” he said sincerely, hugging her quickly. “Believe me. My thoughts often find their way to you. Is that factual enough for you?”

The historian bowed her head, blushing a dark shade of red. Cullen brushed locks of hair out of her face and then hooked a finger under her chin, bringing her to look at him again. His gaze met hers as he smiled at her.

“Thank you,” she whispered, gratitude in her voice. He had promised her so many things. Many unknown to her in the beginning. But now she knew, and she knew he would always keep his promises.

“Always, Nys,” he vowed kissing her lips once again. “Always.”

Anyssa returned the kiss as he murmured against her lips, “The first teyrn in Ferelden was an Alamarri named Hafter who claimed to be the son of a werewolf. Most Fereldans in turn claim to be descendent from werewolves.”

She pulled away slightly giving him an incredulous look. “Really?”

“We have dragons in Thedas, and werewolves _are_ real…” he reminded her with a straight face.

She paused, looking at him like he were daft. “You…are…You are _not_ implying you are part werewolf…Are you?”

“Of course not,” he said firmly, a half-smile tugging at his scarred lip. “You said I was a Mabari remember?”

Anyssa let out a growl of frustration and half-heartedly punched him in the shoulder. “You are—”

“In love with you,” he finished for her with an adoring grin. It was a simple fact and one he had promised to repeat as often as she needed to hear it.

Any frustration Anyssa felt evaporated as she turned red--again. Cullen kissed her forehead. She was adorable when she was embarrassed. “Well, I do.”

“I know,” she whispered softly as she laid her head on his shoulder. She had yet to be able to say it back to him, but he knew the feeling was there. He would give her all the time she needed. Thanks to the Inquisition he had that luxury now and he would not let it go to waste.

The Commander sighed, keeping her in his lap as he returned to his work at the desk. “Maybe we can have a Mabari one day.”

Anyssa made a non-committal sound as she massaged her fingers through his hair. “I already have one.”

Cullen made a noise of confusion as he glanced down at her. Then snorted in amusement. He said nothing as she relaxed fully against him. She was referring to him. He understood that. _He_ was her Mabari.

He smiled as he began reading through the reports again. He was a Mabari according to her. Chuckling to himself, he remembered all the times Orlesians had called him that as an insult. But coming from Anyssa it was the best compliment possible. And that was a fact.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The random facts Cullen tells Nyssa can be found in the Ferelden section of "Dragon Age: The World of Thedas Vol. 1" on page 50.


	4. Dragons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa becomes fascinated by the dragons of Thedas after talking to The Iron Bull and the Chargers. Cullen makes yet another promise and despite careful planning is forced to improvise in order to keep it. But sometimes improvising leads to the most memorable moments.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This moment takes place at two different points during the time the Inquisition occupies Skyhold. Both sections are marked with when these two moments occur--tagged with bold, italic text.
> 
> In order the understand the context of the second part of the chapter, reading (again) Chapter 35 'Battle' of "Anchor" might be to your benefit. While it is not required, it might help to remind you of what is occurring in the background.

**_[this section takes place between Chapter 21 ‘Circle’ and Chapter 22 ‘Friendship’ in “Anchor”]_ **

“Please?” Anyssa asked again as she helped Cullen move some of the lighter items into his new office. The renovations to the tower had just been completed.

“No,” the Commander repeated for the hundredth time…or so it seemed.

The historian grew quiet as he moved a bookshelf into the corner. He saw her bring in more books out of the corner of his eye. He waited for another attempt. A few minutes later as he stood back looking at the twin bookcases, it happened.

“ _Please_ , Cullen?” Her voice came from behind him near where he had placed his desk.

He allowed a grin to tug at his lips. Without turning around, he replied, “ _No_.”

Cullen stifled a chuckle when he heard her say, “You are _enjoying_ telling me no.”

“Perhaps,” the Commander admitted as he turned to her, revealing his smile. “I so rarely tell you no.”

His smile widen as she crossed her arms blushing lightly. “Why are you teasing me?”

“Because you are adorable when you blush,” he answered truthfully.

She turned from him as he asked, “Did you talk to Bull and the Chargers again?”

Anyssa refused to look at him as she began organizing books. “ _Maybe_. Does it matter?”

“They just came back from the Storm Coast where there was a dragon …A dragon the Inquisitor just slayed,” the Commander stated knowingly.

“They have experiences I find fascinating. Bull is a good storyteller,” Anyssa replied defensively.

Cullen shook his head. “And you still want to see a dragon after all those tales?”

She nodded as she continued to silently organize the books. He watched her for several long moments. “You really desire to see one of those beasts don't you?”

Anyssa nodded again. “They don't exist in my world.”

“They're _dangerous_ , Nyssa. I do not wish to see you harmed,” the former Templar said.

“I just want to see it. It doesn't have to be up close …” the historian replied as she finally looked at him again. Her eyes blue eyes pleaded for him to say yes. “Please?”

“Anyssa,” he said warily. She so rarely asked anything for herself.

“Please, Cullen,” she repeated saying his name sweetly.

He growled. “Nyssa.”

“Pretty please, Cullen,” she cooed in the voice he was weak to resist.

The Commander palmed his face as he breathed, “You will be the death of me yet, woman.”

“Does that mean yes?” Anyssa asked excitedly turning back to him.

He peered at her through his fingers. “Yes.”

She squealed in delight as he dropped his hand. “But _only_ after I am sure it is safely doable, and I am with you.”

The historian paused. “You want to go with me?”

The surprise at her voice caught him off guard. Softening his expression, he replied quietly, “Of course. How else can I be sure you are safe? I promised to protect you after all…Even when foolhardy actions are involved.”

“Cullen—"

“Enough about dragons. Now are you going to help me with these books you borrow so frequently or not?” he teased as he noted how the smile never left her lips.

All the things he did for that smile…

~~~~~~

Cullen entered the ambassador’s office slowly. He could not believe he was asking this. The Antivan looked up from her desk. “Good morning, Commander. I thought you would be running drills.”

He cleared his throat. “Rylen is handling that at present …I need a favor …a _personal_ one.”

“Oh?” Josephine said, her interest piqued. He so rarely asked for anything personal.

The former Templar suddenly felt very self-conscious. Rubbing the back of his neck he explained, “I would like to see if--that is I'm looking for something specific ...to sate her curiosity until I can arrange to—"

Josephine folded her hands in front of her. “You are going to allow Anyssa to see a dragon are you not?”

“From a distance …” he clamped his mouth shut. Narrowing his eyes, he asked, “How did you know?”

She gave him a look of mild disbelief. He sighed in exasperation. “ _Fine_. It's true.”

The Antivan smiled. “She hasn't been able to talk of anything else. That _and_ the fact you will be accompanying her …”

“Maker’s breath.”

The ambassador laughed. “What did you need my help with?”

Cullen swallowed. He hoped this worked …

~~~~~~

Anyssa was getting ready for bed when a messenger delivered a box to her quarters. Curious she opened the simple package. A small, folded note lay on top of a wrapped object. It was light whatever it was.

She sat on her bed staring at the note and smiled.

_Nyssa~_

_I'm not completely convinced of the soundness of this venture I promised to undertake for you. However I made a promise to you. I would prefer this suffice for ‘seeing a dragon’ But I know nothing less than the real thing will do. Please accept this as a way to help with the wait in the meantime._

_~Cullen_

Smiling she removed the wrapping to discover a purple and blue stuffed dragon. It hardly looked fierce, more cuddly than anything. She looked at it closer when she noted the color of its eyes. Honey gold, just like Cullen’s.

Did he do that on purpose? Would he?

Regardless she fell asleep that night happy and feeling protected, something that had only increased in frequency since her arrival in Thedas. She knew Cullen was the cause and only hoped it continued.

******

**_[this section takes place a couple of days after Chapter 35 ‘Battle’ in “Anchor”]_ **

_I had a plan …_

His words from the night on the upper battlements of Caer Bronach had been true. He planned to inspect the Caer for himself and then schedule another trip with Nyssa a few weeks later. Of course the Inquisitor had changed all that when she insisted the historian come with them. Now he had to improvise …

With the advice from Charter on exactly where the best vantage point to see a dragon was, Cullen waited until the bulk of his duties were completed and took Anyssa out of the fortress. They road double on his Ajax under the assumption he would be less likely to startle all if the high dragon got too close. The historian had protested a little saying it would start more rumors. Cullen chuckled stating it would only add to those that already existed. Anyssa had blushed but stopped her protesting.

As they rode his horse to a hill overlooking the area of the flats the Northern Hunter dragon had claimed, Cullen held the reins with one hand and Anyssa around her waist with the other. She hadn't minded and acted almost as if it were natural. He caught himself smiling as he realized it _felt_ natural to him. When had that happened? What did it mean?

“Why are we going at night?” Anyssa’s quiet voice rang out.

Startled from his thoughts he hesitated. “I was told it was a sight to behold at night.”

“Really? Can't it breathe fire just as easily during the day?” She asked drawing a cloak tighter around her. It was his cloak as she hadn't packed one. He would have to double check her bags the next time …

Next time? Now he was thinking ahead … “Not all dragons breathe fire, Nyssa.”

“They don't?” The honey blonde woman asked in surprise.

Chortling Cullen explained, “Here in Thedas there are different kinds of high dragons. They each have different abilities. The Northern Hunter appears to generate lightning.”

“Lightning,” she echoed as he brought his horse to a stop.

Shaking his head at her in amusement, he dismounted and tied the reins to a tree. “Where did you pick up the notion about fire?”

“Stories from my world,” she explained as she slid off the horse into his waiting arms. “They mostly only mentioned fire.”

“Your world is strange,” he commented keeping his hands at her waist.

“And yours isn't to me?”

“True I suppose,” the Commander conceded as he slowly, relutantly released her.

Anyssa tilted her head. “Cullen?”

“I—ah--that is…” he stammered looking away praying the night hit his blush. “I thought you might like to see the lightning it produces at night …Charter says it is easier to see.”

“Then why are you blushing?” She teased gently.

He looked at the moons and then to her caring ice blue eyes. “Makers breath. I thought you couldn't see that …”

“I did – _do_ , but what do you have to be embarrassed about?”

“N-nothing. I'm here with you. Like I want to be,” he admitted as he watched the subtle shift in her expression. “Is that …permissible? I just want time alone with you...”

Anyssa smile at him as she raised a hand to his stubbled cheek. “Cullen, why didn't you just ask? You needn’t invent a reason –“

“But I _wanted_ you to see this,” he interjected as he waved at the circling dragon. “I made a promise…This seems to mean so much to you.”

“It does, but Puff means more,” she replied sincerely.

“Puff?”

She giggled. “The dragon you gave me. He's named after a song from Earth. _Puff the Magic Dragon_.”

“Dragons aren't magic –“

“Quit being so literal,” she chided. “It means more to me because you gave him to me …and he has your eyes.”

Cullen went rigid. She had noticed. She knew. How could she not? She wasn't stupid. Had he been too forward?

“Stop dreading things, Cullen. Especially from me please? Especially after what we talked about the other night,” her voice scolded. “I --to me it's like you watching over me even when you aren't with me.”

He studied her for any signs of deceit. As usual he found none. Still his insecurities came through even though she seemed more confident, more relaxed than before. “I thought it might have been a foolish gesture.”

“No. _Thoughtful_ comes to mind,” she corrected as she caressed his cheek.

Cullen closed his eyes and leaned into her palm. She had become increasing bold in her actions as of late. “You are …like no one I have ever met, Nys.”

“Cullen …”

He opened his eyes upon hearing her shy tone. “I mean that …in the best possible way …You help make the demons go away …”

The last part was barely above a whisper. He watched in surprise as she bridged the last bit of distance between them and hugged him. The Commander returned the gesture not fully realizing how that one simple act could bring him peace until it happened.

After a few moments he maneuvered them to sit under a tree facing the flats. With his back to the trunk, Cullen pulled Anyssa beside him, holding her tightly after covering her with his cloak. He rested his head against the tree trunk. Anyssa’s quite voice once again pierced the night. “Are you okay?”

“I always am with you,” he admitted freely as the high dragon circled off in the distance, lightning flashing around it.

She drew his arms tighter around her. “I feel the same.”

The Commander smiled. “Perhaps we should watch dragons more often.”

“Ummm, I'm not sure. I read in a story where a dragon once said, ‘Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.’”

“Dragons do not talk, Nys,” Cullen chided rolling his eyes.

“No but _that_ one is surrounded by lightning and as pretty as it is I'm not wanting to tempt fate.”

“I would allow no harm to come to you.”

“I know,” she replied laying her head against his shoulder.

Moments passed into what seemed like hours. Neither saying a word just content to be with the other in the moment. The dragon continued to emanate lightning against the backdrop of the night sky as Cullen stirred against her.

“What is _ketchup_?”

Anyssa smiled as she giggled. “We are alone with a dragon that produces lightning and _that_ is where your thoughts have been?”

“Well n--not exactly, but I would like to know, and I am curious about your world.”

“So you wanna know about ketchup which is a condiment on my world by the way.”

“Why not?” Cullen replied in almost indignant tone.

Anyssa laughed. The sound that had come to mean so much to the Commander.

The former Templar smiled as he began to remember what hope felt like. He held her tighter as he thanked the Maker once again for bringing her into his life.


	5. Control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen continues to struggle with his lyrium withdrawals as well as with the knowledge Anyssa now knows the truth. In her attempt to understate lyrium more and just what Cullen is going through, Anyssa does what she does best—research. Will what she discovers give her the answers she seeks or will Cullen’s pride and stubbornness stand in the way? Will her own fear of confronting him do the same?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This moment occurs after chapter 39 ‘Wild’ in “Anchor”***
> 
> TW: lyrium withdrawal, mental breakdown, addiction
> 
> ***TW--this chapter delves into Cullen's withdrawals from lyrium and how others react to it. Anyssa's attempt to understand and support him is also shown. I thought that this needed to be addressed more but could not work it into the main story of "Anchor." I  
> ve been holding on to a couple of chapters that go into his lyrium addiction and recovery and how Anyssa would react to it but was not sure if it did justice to his struggle. Recent events within the fandom convinced me to go ahead and post this and another piece later that deals with it. Anyssa is my character and this Cullen is my interpretation of the character. I tag and use warnings in the author's notes. I am grateful for those who continue to read about the journey of Nyssa and Cullen but as always if something is not for you, don't read it. If something is triggering for you, don't read it. Please be aware and as always take care of yourselves.***

Cullen rub his temples willing the dull pain not to turn into a full-blown headache. Recruits practicing out in the yard and the nobles never-ending lectures were not helping either. Rylen noticed his distress but did not inquired further. The knight captain had simply offered to take over the rest of the practice drills that morning. The Commander deciding to take the Starkhaven native up on his offer, left to seek solitude in his tower.

Unfortunately for Cullen one of the nobles he sought to avoid caught sight of him. He groaned inwardly as the older man made a bee line in his direction. The Commander could feel the pain increasing proportionally as the noble closed the distance.

“Commander? Commander Cullen! I demand to know what you're going to do about the Inquisitor. She has decided to _continue_ to harbor these apostates.”

“The Inquisitor has simply chosen to honor our initial alliance made in Haven in the effort to defeat the Elder One and end the madness that has engulfed southern Thedas,” Cullen replied fisting his hands. The sun's reflection on the snow-covered mountain peaks was _not_ helping his fast forming headache.

“Be that as it may what about the mages that are outside these walls? Why are they allowed to roam free?” the nameless noble demanded far too loudly. If the former Templar had anything to do with it, he would remain nameless and be escorted out of the fortress. Of course, Josephine prevented the latter action with constant reminders of their usefulness.

“They're _not_ prisoners, my Lord. They have sworn themselves to our cause and will be treated as such,” Cullen snapped back. “They are serving useful tasks both within Skyhold and with our army.”

“What if they consort with demons –“

“We have Templars –“

“But not enough,” noted the Lord smugly, crossing his arms as if to challenge the already irritated Commander.

“I –“

“Commander Cullen. Lord Leroux,” A voice greeted from behind them. Cullen did not need to turn to know who it was.

“Ah Lady McBride. Here to run more errands for our supposed Herald of Andraste?” The Lord asked condescendingly.

Cullen watched as she came to stand beside them smiling. “Good day to you Lord Leroux. I was hoping to speak with the Commander about the number of refugees we are able to take in. They have nowhere else to turn since the conclave explosion disrupted the Chantry’s ability to help. The destruction of Haven has only made the situation more dyer.”

The Lord bristled at the politely phrased slight. “And your Inquisition conveniently steps in?”

“The Inquisition authorized by a writ from Divine Justinia,” Anyssa replied calmly. “It is quite a large task to be carried out. I have read its complete contents. I understand _you_ were offered the chance to read it but turned it down. Such a shame. Most Holy really was trying to end the trouble before it began.”

The Lord stared at the woman trying to articulate a response. Cullen suppressed his smile despite his growing headache. Anyssa was quiet and shy but could trade barbs with the best of them especially when she was correct.

“The mage problem –“

“Is only a problem if you look at it that way. See how the mages can serve men and the Maker instead of imprisoning them. _Train_ them. Give them something _worthwhile_ to do so they may serve in their own way,” she pressed despite her continual struggle to grasp the nature of magic. “They need protection as do we all from the dangers of magic but that could be said about war as well.”

“You can't believe –“

“A war the Inquisition is trying to end by bringing people together instead of dividing them. Just as the Divine wanted,’ Anyssa finished still wearing a pleasant expression.

The Lord crossed his arms. “You will doom us all.”

“ _Me_?” Anyssa asked feigning surprise, placing a hand upon her chest for emphasis.

“People like you …abandoning –"

“The Chantry? Funny. I thought it was the other way around,” she replied with a shrug.

“You have no faith.”

“I have plenty of faith just no use for people who tear down those trying to help because they are afraid of change,” Anyssa snapped finally at the end of her patience.

“Commander are you going to let this... _woman_ insult me?” Leroux demanded indignantly.

“I believe _you_ insulted her _first_ by questioning her faith. She has been nothing but cordial to you Lord Leroux,” Cullen replied tightly. While he was proud of the historian for standing her ground, his head just would not cease pounding so he could enjoy the moment.

Anyssa glanced up at him noticing his wince. “Perhaps we should go our separate ways.”

“Very well. For now,” Lord Leroux said as he stormed off.

“Have a pleasant evening Lord Leroux,” Anyssa called after him.

He made no reply. Cullen noted, “You _enjoyed_ that.”

“Every bit of it,” Anyssa admitted her smile fading. “But you didn’t. What –“

“He is a naturally irritating man. More so when I have a headache,” the Commander explained as he started walking towards the steps to the battlements once again.

He heard her following as the grass crunched behind him. He glanced back at her. “Did you need something?”

“Not really,” she admitted matching his pace. “I dropped off the letters for you to sign and seal earlier. One of your Lt.’s said you were at the training ground but then Rylen said you were not well and were going to retire to your office …I thought to see if you needed anything and then I saw the noble.”

“ _That_ man. If throwing him out of Skyhold wouldn't cause a headache I would do it in a heartbeat,” he admitted. “Josephine would not approve though.”

“Yes. Josie doesn’t like it when you just causally throw nobles over the battlements…” Anyssa smiled, trying to lighten the mood. Softly she asked, a hint of concern in her tone, “So _just_ a headache?”

“Yes. For the moment. I am hopeful it will stay that way,” he said a little too quickly. “I do not need to be babysat for a headache.”

She stopped walking staring at him in surprise. Cullen paused to look at her seeing a hard expression on her face. After a moment Anyssa said, “Then I will leave you alone. I'm sorry that my concern added to your headache and your attitude.”

She turned quickly on her heel heading towards the Great Hall. Cullen called after her, but she didn't respond. Instead he saw her retreating form grow smaller and smaller. He knew his response and his actions had caused her to feel frustration with him possibly even anger. He would apologize once his headache was gone. He promised.

~~~~~~

She pulled out the books she had collected on the Templar Order which read like propaganda produced by the Chantry. Truthfully, it probably was. Then she'd reread all the notes she had taken from actually talking to real Templars, Chantry clerics, mages, healers, and Cullen himself. He was guarded about some of the details of his past, but she supposed anyone would be with the things he had told her and the rumors she'd heard. At least he had opened up a little bit after his attempted resignation a few weeks before.

Anyssa took a breath and re-examined the pages she had marked about lyrium. Her knowledge and understanding of the stuff was still incomplete but its effects were dramatic. That much she was sure of. Could that be a factor in his headaches? Cullen wasn't a Templar any longer.

A knock at her door jarred her from her thoughts. Freezing she stared at the door wondering who it could be at this hour. Another knock as a quiet voice called for her. She padded over to the door in her bare feet, opening it to reveal Cullen. His head was bowed, his shoulders slumped, his hair disheveled.

“Cullen?” She asked not quite believing what she saw. It reminded her of the night he had come to her in her study. He glanced up at her, his eyes red and rimmed with dark circles. She realized with regret that his headache from earlier had been so much more and she had let her frustration with him get the best of her. She’d left him to fend for himself. Even though that had been his expressed wish, it hadn’t been the right thing to do. He had been there for her so many times. How could she not be there for him?

“I—I want to—No. I _need_ to apologize to you,” the Commander said with labored breaths. Even without the weight of his armor and duties, he looked burdened. Did he really feel that badly for how their last conversation had gone?

“No. It’s okay,” she said automatically, falling back into the old habit of excusing the actions of others towards her. “You’re tired and I should have—“

“ _No_ ,” he snapped a little too quickly, but his point was made. She remained quiet, regarding him uncertainly as he moved to lean against the door frame. “You did _nothing_ wrong. Do not apologize for me. Do not excuse my actions or my words. There is no excuse to treat you so.”

Unaccustomed to someone believing that about her even months after her arrival in Thedas, Anyssa lowered her head. “You had more than a headache and I walked away from you.”

Cullen let out a frustrated breath. “I should have told you the truth. We promised one another to let the other help but I…”

He trailed off as she chewed her bottom lip. They were both hurting but that didn’t have to continue. She could stop it with just a few simple words. “I—Would you come in, please?”

His golden eyes searched her face, looking for any sign that she was uncomfortable or felt obligated to make the request. He found none as she knew he would. She wanted him there, to make things right between them again.

The Commander entered her quarters slowly as she moved to close the door behind him. As she turned back to him, she said, “I could get you a glass of water if you are thirsty or a chair—”

“Nyssa, stop,” Cullen said softly. She froze looking at him in confusion. “Don’t do that…Don’t pretend as if I didn’t do something I shouldn’t have, not after we talked…”

She wrung her hands in front of her. They had to move forward somehow, and he was making an effort. That was more than Bryan had ever done. She could meet him half way though. She could be that brave. “I just…I am used to caring about someone but them not paying attention to me…so I deflect…”

“I _do_ pay attention to you, Anyssa. More than you know, I think. More than I realized,” the Commander murmured sincerely.

“Then why did you –“

Cullen lowered his head. “I thought it would worry you. Already you have so much you worry about and so much you have been through.”

“What if—if I don't mind worrying about you?” She asked tentatively. She could tell him this. She had to. “What if I _want_ to help you even if it's just to listen?”

He glanced up at her. Seeing her small smile he looked away. His eyes fell on the stack of books and notes she had been reading. Anyssa watched as he tensed. “You know about...more about _it_.”

Anyssa watched in confusion as he backed away slowly. “Know _what,_ Cullen? I don't understand.”

“No one…No one truly understands! How could they when the Chantry, the Order we devoted our lives to says one thing and keeps the rest a shameful secret until you are hooked?” Cullen wailed as he fisted his hair. Anyssa had never seen him like that: wild, unsure, confused. Suddenly her research clicked into place. Lyrium wasn't just a boost to mages and a source of power for Templars. It was _addictive_.

Staying where she was she gently said, “Cullen whatever you think I know or figured out I haven't. Not really …I want _you_ to tell me to help me understand but only if you are ready.”

He muttered covering his eyes, “I can't bear it if you thought less of me because of how weak I am now. I promised to protect you.”

“And you have,” she assured him. “How could I think less of you? That has never crossed my mind. _Ever_.”

“I'm not what you think –“

“I'll tell you what I think thank you very much,” she interrupted not allowing him to indulge in anymore wallowing. “Too many people have told me what to think. I do not want you to be one of them.”

Cullen looked at her over his hand. Understanding blooming across his handsome features. “I –“

“I’m going to sit down on the bed. I would very much like you too as well,” she explained as she strolled with purpose passed him.

Anyssa sat down hoping she appeared braver than she felt. The boyfriend she had before arriving in Thedas had reacted badly to her attempt to be helpful or useful. She prayed Cullen was different. In fact she knew he was but her past experience was still there. He already had proven himself different in so many ways, but he could still hurt her if so inclined.

She waited for him to decide his next course of action. He had lowered his hand, but his eyes darted between her and the door. Finally he slowly shuffled to the bed sitting on the opposite end. She had hoped he would have sat closer, but she would take what she could get.

“Thank you,” she commented as she noticed him fisting her bed sheet.

Cullen nodded slightly his eyes flickering to her books again. Her voice drew him back. “No Cullen. Not there. Focus on me ...this is just us talking and listening. Not worrying about what ifs.”

The Commander's golden-brown eyes found hers as he clenched his jaw. His eyes searched her face for what she did not know. Finally he whispered, “You are trembling.”

Anyssa glanced at her hands resting in her lap. He was right. She was shaking. Anyssa closed her hands tightly as he said, “I scare you.”

“No. No you don't,” Anyssa corrected attempting to put on a brave face. She could do this. She _would_ do this. For him. She extended a welcoming hand towards him. “I'm not scared of you. I never have been and what you are going through doesn't scare me. I just want to be brave enough to help you if I can …Lyrium is –“

“Addicting,” Cullen finished for her sadly.

Hand still outstretched to him she said, “I do not pretend to know what lyrium truly is or what its effect are. Nor do I know what you are doing about it since leaving the Order, but I want to understand. Help even if you let me.”

His gaze fell to her outstretched hand. “Why were you shaking then?”

“Because I was scared. I still am.”

“Why? Have I –“

“I didn't want you to push me away,” she admitted softly. “I thought if I asked about it you'd be mad. You keep so much to yourself.”

She watched as he suddenly clenched his hands into fists once more. His gaze fixed on a spot on the floor. Cullen worked his jaw in frustration as she tried to gauge his emotional state. After several long moments Anyssa began to withdraw her offered hand. She hadn't known what to expect; she only had the faintest hope he would accept her help.

A strong calloused hand on hers stopped her. She looked up to see golden eyes gazing back uncertainly but hopeful. “I am scared too …What I have done and what I have chosen to do ...it is _difficult_.”

“I really do want to help if you'll let me. Just like you have helped me,” Anyssa offered again.

The Commander's face became a storm of emotion as he pulled her to his chest in a fierce embrace. Anyssa steadied herself against him as he murmured into her hair, “I do not know what I did to deserve you in my life. There has been so much darkness …You are like a light that Maker sent to guide me.”

“Cullen I –“

She was cutoff when he pulled back tilting her head upward to meet his gaze. “I pray to Andraste for the strength to persevere. I know you do not share my beliefs in the Maker but what you said earlier…Maybe she helped send you here to help me. It sounds selfish but –“

“You weren't the only one wanting a better life Cullen,” Anyssa interjected. “My life is better here. It is hard but better due in no small part to you.”

“I didn't –“

She smiled. “Yes. You did.”

Cullen made a face as she moved a stray curling lock of hair out of his eyes. “I do not know how to tell you …”

“Just _explain_ it to me first --lyrium, your training. Then explain your choices,” she suggested. “If it takes more than just one conversation then it does.”

“You--You would do that? You would be that patient?” he asked hopefully.

Anyssa cocked her head with a grin. “Cullen, you have shown _and_ still show a remarkable amount of patience for my inability to start a fire.”

The Commander cracked a grin. “I still pray that you will one day master that skill.”

“You could get me a pet dragon. The fire breathing kind …it would solve a lot of problems,” she teased.

“No,” Cullen replied simply.

He kept his grin as she pretended to pout. “Fine.”

Cullen hooked a finger under her chin forcing her to look at him. “Do not be that way, Nyssa. I want us to be better...I want to do better by you.”

“You _are_ ,” she assured him.

“More. I need to do more –“

“One step at a time then. You help me to find a place in your world and I'll help you cope,” Anyssa suggested.

Cullen nodded. “Templar history--what they're supposed to do … _meant_ to do. What I wanted to do. That is where I would like to start.”

“That sounds like a great starting place,” she replied placing a tentative hand on his cheek.

The Commander tensed up for just a moment. She noticed and offered, “I can move back if you –“

“ _No!_ No I can do this. I want to do this,” Cullen insisted firmly. Quietly he added, “I want you to understand.”

Anyssa smiled as he looked at her sincerely. The Earth woman listened as he explained. His words conveying his true feelings and convictions as she began to truly understand his motivations. As the night wore on it became clear he had never spoken of the subject to anyone in depth and that he needed to. And he trusted her enough to do it. That fact was not lost on her.

Cullen Rutherford trusted her, and she would not let him face his personal trials alone again.

*****

Anyssa walked down the step leading from the Great Hall to the training yard. Cullen said he would be there monitoring a new batch of recruits if he were needed. Even though she had several papers for him to look over, they weren't pressing. But Josephine had just told her of the new contacts they had made with some of the academics in the Marches and Orlais. And they all had been directed to _her_. She couldn't shake the feeling the Commander had something to do with it. She could now converse with people all over Thedas about the rediscovered histories the Inquisition was finding. Perhaps they could even return the recovered artifacts and tomes to their rightful owners…

She was pretty sure he was aware of it but wanted Cullen to know she was grateful for his help. She planned to just drop in quickly to see him and then leave. He had become increasingly busy since Evie had managed to recruit more Templars and soldiers in general. His irritability was up as well. He said it was simply a byproduct of doing his duty. She said cranky but a growl was a response either way.

As she neared the training area she noticed he was not there. Rylen was conducting the drills meaning: was most likely he had retreated to do paperwork. Or his was experiencing another headache. She preferred to believe it was the former option.

The knight captain called, “Morning, lass. He’s in his tower. Just mind the bear he seems to have turned into this morning.”

McBride replied, “Thank you Rylen. I'll _bear_ that in mind.”

Rylen snorted. “You truly have a horrible sense of humor, lassie.”

She shrugged and smiled as she began walking toward the steps near the tavern. Anyssa walked up the stairs and strolled across the battlements, greeting the patrols with a smile as they nodded at her. They had long become accustom to her presence on the battlements with or without the Commander.

Stopping outside the door to the tower she called, “Cullen? It's me.”

The only response was a shuffling sound and indistinguishable words. Curious she pushed opened the door without knocking again to see what had him mumbling. The sight that greeted her was far from what she expected. The Commander was pacing and muttering to himself. Normally that meant he was irritated with nobles or the inability to get a task done. The fact he had been running his hands through his curls repeatedly leaving behind a tangled mess pointed to something else.

Locking the door behind her, she strained to understand what he was uttering. It sounded the same words repeated over and over. Not unlike what she had repeated back in Haven when she had walked away from the town only to be followed by Cullen

“I will not take it...I must be stronger.”

Anyssa quickly realized what was going on. It _was_ similar to what had happened to her in Haven. Too much so. She moved to stand in his path. “Cullen.”

He stood before her, hands in his hair, struggling to focus. She repeated his name softly. “Cullen. It's Anyssa. I'm here.”

“Anyssa?”

“Yes, Cullen. It's me,” she replied as she gently pulled his hands from his curls.

“I cannot take it. Please do not let me take it,” he begged his usual stoic shield dropped.

After several days of conversations, Anyssa had come to a better understanding of Cullen’s choices and what the consequences could be. With the addition of both Templar and mage allies, the presence of lyrium at Skyhold had increased significantly. As she understood it the substance _sung_ to Templars. And both current and former Templars could still hear it.

Holding his hands with hers she asked, “Cullen, do you hear it?”

“Maker, yes,” he hissed tensing up as he struggled to maintain eye contact with her. “It won't leave me alone no matter what I do …I will not succumb to it!”

Anyssa could almost feel how frantic he was. She looked around the office to find something that might help. Her eyes fell on a small stool by the hearth. Gently she pulled him to it. “Cullen, I want you to sit down.”

“I can't –“

“Please, Cullen. Just sit and focus on my voice,” Anyssa ordered as she knelt in front of him.

Slowly he sat on the stool as he bowed his head. “This can't --the song –“

“Will _not_ control you any longer, Cullen,” the Earth woman insisted. “ _You_ are in control now. _You_ make your own decisions.”

His golden eyes found hers again as he held tightly to her hands. “It feels like it's slipping away. My control is not strong enough. _I_ am not strong enough.”

“Is that your doubts talking or Cullen Rutherford who saved a strange woman from drowning in a lake surrounded by demons?”

The Commander closed his eyes and brought their hands up to head level between them.

“Though all before me is shadow, yet shall the Maker be my guide. I shall not be left to wander the drifting roads of the Beyond …”

A voice joined his.

“For there is no darkness in the Makers Light ...”

Cullen opened his eyes to stare into her ice blue ones as they finished together.

“And nothing that He has wrought shall be lost.”

They stared at each other in silence for several long minutes. Cullen eventually extended a hand to caress her cheek. “I did not realize you knew any of the Chant.”

“It …was -- _is_ important to you. I am learning it. Slowly, _very_ slowly,” She admitted sheepishly turning her head.

A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips. “You would do that for me?”

She glanced back. “Yes.”

Relief and gratitude spread across his face as he continued to hold her hands. Hesitantly he asked, “Will-Will you remain with me a while longer? Reciting the rest helps…”

“Of course,” Anyssa said with a small smile. Cullen nodded his thanks as he squeezed her hands.

Together they finished the verse and moved on to the next. Anyssa made mistakes here and there. Cullen gently corrected her. They began the verse again. With each verse, each words, each syllable, he grew stronger. She would have said it was because of the words themselves, nothing else. But she knew that wasn’t the case. He was relying on her for more. What did that mean? How could he count on her for anything?

Did it matter?

The fact remained that he did, and it helped. He wasn’t under anyone’s control now. Not the Chantry. Not the Templar Order. Not lyrium. He made his own choices now. And she was one of them. And for that she was grateful. She was needed, wanted, and appreciated. She could help Cullen and to her that was everything.

_I am not alone. Even_

_As I stumble on the path_

_With my eyes closed, yet I see_

_The Light is here. She_

_-Trials 1:1-1:16_


	6. Faith

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa makes it a point to attend Chantry services with Cullen every week. It started out as a need for her to learn how to blend in with other Andrastians for the background Leliana had created for her. But now Cullen wonders what keeps her returning to the services when she does not have to. Why does she insist on attending with him? The answer to his question comes with unexpected consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***this moment takes place after Chapter 39 ‘Wild’ in “Anchor” and after ‘Control’ in Moments***
> 
> TW: PTSD, mentions of past trauma/abuse, withdrawals/addiction
> 
> *****Like 'Control,' this moment further deals with Cullen's past trauma and how it affects his withdrawals. Nyssa chooses to share part of her past with Bryan to show Cullen he is not alone and that their is no shame in how he reacts to his trauma. Nyssa's words on her past might as well have been spoken by myself. That is one thing we both share and why I always put TW's on chapters that deal with this subject matter. Please just be aware of this and how real these situations are for people even well after the event has passed. The end notes have links and phones number for more information on PTSD and domestic abuse. There is a way out and people willing to help. As always, take care of yourselves.*****

Mother Giselle finished the morning sermon with a prayer to the Maker and Andraste as she did every service. Cullen had made room in his schedule for them since their occupation of Skyhold. He only missed when his duties demanded it. In recent months another had begun accompanying him, much to his surprise. Anyssa McBride made it a point to meet him in the garden before the services and sit with him during them.

For Cullen, his faith had always been a deeply personal thing, one he had relied upon through the many trials of his life. While he would profess his devotion to the Maker to those who asked, he would not share what it truly meant to him. Anyssa was not of Thedas and had told him of the religions that were native to Earth. Yet she attended the Chantry services with him. In the beginning she had attended in order to become familiar with the Andrastian religion but that had slowly changed to purposefully attending with him. At first he had thought it might be out of curiosity, something because of her historical background. But then she had begun asking him about his faith, if he thought that maybe there was some truth to what the Chantry preached. _That_ had caught him off guard.

Now as those in attendance began filing out of the small chapel, Cullen watched as Anyssa smiled as Mother Giselle nodded. The older woman had served as a kind of tutor in helping Anyssa understand the ways of Thedas and how to live there. He found himself wondering what she really thought now that she’d been in her new world for over half a year. As she rose to leave, Cullen placed a hand on her arm.

As the historian turned to look at him quizzically, he whispered, “Walk with me.”

She frowned but nodded as he rose to his feet. Waiting until most of the others had left, he guided her out of the chapel by placing a hand gently at the small of her back. They made their way up the steps passed the guest rooms to the battlements. She had not said a word, simply allowing him to lead her to a quiet place with only the occasional patrol. He dropped his arm from her back, gazing out at the still early morning sky. In Haven, at least in the early days after her arrival she wouldn’t have allowed him to lead her anywhere or be alone with him. How things had changed…

“Cullen, is everything alright?”

Her voice drew him back. He glanced over at her, her ice blue eyes gazing back with concern. He opened his mouth to answer but stopped. What could he say? How could he ask her? She had been through so much and was having to start all over again. Her beliefs were her own. Who was he to say that her beliefs were invalid simply because of a change in location?

She grabbed his forearm, apparently alarmed by his actions. “Are you okay? Is it your withdrawals?”

He felt his eyes go wide at her questions. He had caused her to worry and that had never been his intent. He immediately placed his free hand atop hers, squeezing it gently. “I am fine, Nyssa. I am—my withdrawals are manageable at the moment. I…”

“Then why—"

“I wish—I need to—I would like to know—“ he cut himself off, frustrated that he couldn’t find the words. The Commander turned away running a hand through his meticulously styled hair. Words had never truly been a problem when speaking with Anyssa, especially as they grew closer, trusting one another more. Why was this so hard _now_?

He felt hands being pulled from his hair. He looked down to see that Anyssa had moved in front of him, a gentle smile playing across her lips. Slowly he felt himself relax as she smoothed his curls back into place. Her voice was soft as she said, “You can tell me or ask me, Cullen. If you let me ask you things, you can do the same.”

He swallowed. “What if…What if it is about Earth?”

She cocked her head but did not make a move the leave. “You’ve told me of your past at Kinloch Hold and Kirkwall. You can ask me about things like that too.”

Cullen took a breath, finding her hands again, he took them in his. “I—When you began accompanying me to these Chantry services I thought it was because you were simply curious or trying to understand the Chantry better in order to fit in here. But as time passed, you continued attending. You know the verses we recite; you know what to do during prayer, you know some of the songs…”

As he trailed off, she replied softly, “Mother Giselle has been teaching me.”

“Nys, you know enough now to blend in with any Andrastian. You have for weeks now,” the Commander noted, still not understanding. “Why do you still go?”

“Because you do,” she replied earnestly.

He looked at her confused. “Why—"

“Because it’s important to you,” she tried to clarify. “You believe in the Chant, in Andraste, and the Maker. Even though the Chantry has failed so many people, you still haven’t lost your faith. That has to count for something.”

Cullen had no idea what to say. How was he supposed to respond to that? No one else had ever commented about his faith like that, implying what it truly meant to him. Without knowing what else to say, he said, “It’s all I’ve had for so long.”

He felt exposed, as if a part of him he’d kept secret was now out for all to see. In fact it was only Nyssa but this whole thing had begun with a question about her. Now it had been turned right back on him.

His chest tightened, his heart beat increased. His faith had been the one thing he had managed to hold onto, that and the coin Branson has gifted him all those years ago…Now someone knew. Someone had figured out that secret, the one that saw him through the memories that haunted him, through the nightmares that tortured him, through the doubts and guilt that plagued him. He had never shared that with anyone. His past tortures, nightmares, memories he alluded to in general with a select few but never _how_ he coped with it. That was his and his alone. It wasn’t for anyone else to know…

“Cullen.”

She called his name, but he couldn’t respond. It was as if all of the walls he had built around to protect himself were in danger of falling. He wasn’t supposed to allow anyone to know him, to care for him. He wasn’t supposed to care _for_ anyone. The Chantry empowered its Templar’s to protect its people from the evils of magic and demons. He was supposed to be devoted to his duty, to the Order. It was all he had known for nearly two decades.

“Cullen?”

Her voice called to him again. Frozen in place as if the world would crumble around him if he moved, he held onto what he knew for dear life. What was in his hands was all he knew was real at that moment. The Chantry wasn’t what he had thought it was, yet it still threatens to control him…

“Cullen!”

Her voice rang in his ears as it became louder. Something squeezed his hands. But what did he hold in his hands?… _Her hands_. Anyssa’s hands were still clasped within his from before. He blinked rapidly as he willed himself to look down. Her ungloved hands here white from the death grip he hand on them.

He swallowed as he whispered, hoarsely, “Nys?”

The honey blonde nodded her head rapidly as she said, “I’m right here. I haven’t gone anywhere, Cullen. And I won’t.”

“Nys,” he breathed with relief. He relaxed his hold on her hands but did not let go. “I—I…”

“Are you alright?” She asked when he could say nothing else.

“I…am sorry,” he mumbled as he cast his gaze down to their still intertwined hands. Shame irrationally filling his entire being.

“There is _nothing_ to be sorry for,” Anyssa reassured him, as she gently pulled him towards the wall of the battlements. “It’s still early and I never get to just look at the mountains in the mornings.”

She glanced up at him as they settled into a spot along the wall, a shy grin appearing on her face. “I’m usually too busy watching a shirtless Commander showing the recruits how to fight properly.”

He glanced down at her, still not completely over whatever had happened before. Her smile did not dissipate as she turned back to the mountains. Her hand never left his as he followed her gaze to the snow covered Frostback Mountains. He knew she was attempting to distract him. He remained silent, holding her hand afraid if he let go it would be one more thing he lost because of his misplaced trust in the Chantry. One more thing he had allowed himself to care for and was taken away by blind devotion to duty.

It would not happen. Nyssa would not be another sacrifice. She would be another reason to keep his faith, to be better, to be more than duty.

~~~~~~

Nearly an hour later Anyssa insisted on accompanying him back to his tower. While he normally welcomed any chance to spend time with her, at that particular moment the Commander was reluctant to indulge her request. It didn’t matter though as he had come to learn she could be quite stubborn in her own right about somethings. His wellbeing just happened to be one of those things.

They walked in silence from the battlements overlooking the garden to this tower. Once inside his office, Cullen turned to regard the honey blonde woman from another world. It had become obvious to him that she had something else to say but did not want to say it where the patrols could hear. He still felt the effects of his ‘episode’ for lack of a better description earlier, but he would not turn her away. He fought back the shame and anger and frustration so that she could say her piece despite wishing to be let alone.

“You don’t have to be on the defensive, Cullen,” McBride commented as she locked the door behind her. “I’m not going to chastise you.”

“I am _not_ defensive,” he said in a clipped tone.

Anyssa cocked an eyebrow as she pointed at him. “Your tone says otherwise…and your arms are crossed. You’ve got that stance you use when Leliana and Josephine accuse you of being stubborn and narrow-minded.”

Cullen involuntarily glanced down at his arms to find that she was correct. He made a sound of annoyance as he dropped his hands to the pommel of his sword and relaxed his stance. Sometimes he thought it were a blessing someone had come to know him so well. Other times he thought it was an annoyance. This time was a good example of the latter.

Taking a breath, he repeated evenly, “I am not defensive.”

“And I didn’t come through a Fade rift in the middle of a frozen lake from Earth to Thedas,” Anyssa replied sardonically. In Haven she would never had spoken like that to him. Once again he was reminded that times change.

He stared at her hard. A part of him knew she were correct. He was being defensive before she even said anything. Another part of him just wanted her to go away, the part of him that still fought to follow the habits he’d formed as a Templar to protect himself. To keep him safe from prying people and unwanted attention. But this was Anyssa. She had had his attention from the very start. How could he deny her now?

He gripped the pommel of his sword tightly in an attempt to reign in his warring thoughts. Taking a deep breath he said, “You want to say something about earlier.”

Anyssa nodded. “I wanted to answer your question properly but then you froze up.”

Cullen drew up to his full height, knowing she recognized his discomfort but was tactful about mentioning it. “I…still find it difficult to reconcile what I thought the Chantry and the Order were supposed to be with what they are now…”

“They’ve been a large part of your life for so long it would be hard for it not to cause…” she paused looking for the right word. “Complications.”

By the expression on her face, Cullen knew she was not completely satisfied with the word. He nodded as he sighed. “I still attend services at the Chantry. My mother would expect no less of me…”

“You still _believe_ ,” Anyssa observed. “Even with the Chantry and the Templar’s in disarray, you still believe in what the Maker intended, in what Andraste taught your people. Your faith endures even when the buildings crumble and the organization itself fails. _You_ still stand.”

He scoffed. “You make it sound as if I am some sort of pillar of strength…Most days I question whether I should continue down this path, whether I am worthy of it.”

“Of course you should continue. You would only be unworthy of it if you didn’t appreciate the second chance you’ve been given.”

“ _Second chance?”_ he scoffed as he waved vaguely around the office. “I freeze at the very mention of Kinloch Hold, of the Fereldan Tower. I have nightmares every single night that would scare another person to death. I am reminded daily of my past failings by memories that won’t leave me. I am _not_ the man you and everyone else think I am. I am _weak_. I am _not_ better. I am—”

“Still a good man fighting a battle to be better,” Anyssa said firmly. “I won’t believe anything else. Neither should you.”

“Your faith in me is misplaced,” he retorted bitterly, the shame of his past threatening to overwhelm him. “Perhaps you would be better without me in your life…You are stronger than I. I am—It is like a sickness in my mind I can never be rid of. I suffer from—"”

“You are suffering from PTSD,” Anyssa interrupted. He stopped talking, glaring at her instead.

“ _PTSD?”_ he repeated. His annoyance evident as well as his confusion.

She nodded slowly. “Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It is a diagnosable mental illness from my world. It obviously exists here as well but there is no mental health care facilities here. You are just expected to fend for yourself…”

“I do _not_ have a mental illness,” Cullen stated on the defensive once again. Did she really think that of him?

“It is _not_ a shameful thing to have. The shame comes from those who don’t understand it or don’t want to,” Anyssa explained calmly. She offered as she fidgeted with her hands, “I…I started talking to a counselor on Earth before I tried to leave Bryan. It’s what gave me the courage to try. I started to believe that maybe things _could_ be different. That maybe, just maybe Bryan wasn’t right about me.”

Cullen looked away from her to one of the narrow windows, his mouth a thin line. He was a proud man. He had dealt with his inner pain alone for a decade. He had opened up to her only recently about what had happened to him during his torture at Kinloch Hold. She would never repeat a word of it to anyone just as she suspected he would never reveal anything she had told him about her relationship with Bryan.

“Cullen?” she asked hesitantly. She had seen him silently angry before, normally at a noble or a member of the Inquisition when it was inappropriate to voice it aloud. It happened when Evie gave him an order he disagreed with but would follow anyway. It happened when Leliana and Josephine sometimes planned things without his input. It happened when he thought he could have done better by his men. Seeing him being angry at himself because of what had been done to him was new. The fact he might be angry at _her_ was new.

He turned away from her, his back to her now. As he remained quiet, she considered her options. She could leave him alone. She could change the subject. She could try and make him talk. Or she could share some of herself again. Be brave Vivienne and so many others had told her. You have a choice here _he_ had told her.

“Post-traumatic stress disorder on Earth is an anxiety disorder. I—It usually occurs after someone experiences a frightening, stressful, or distressing event in their life. I was told that feeling an intense fear or helplessness can happen,” she explained slowly as she stood by the hearth, not attempting to move closer to him.

She watched the fire flicker as she continued in a lower tone, “I don’t remember ever feeling like I had anything like that. I _knew_ I was anxious all the time. Not in a good way like I was waiting to open up presents on Christmas or my birthday. It was more like I was on edge all the time. I was always afraid I would do or say something wrong, that it would be _my_ fault that Bryan would be upset.”

Taking a breath she continued, still gazing at the flickering flames, “I started avoiding people and places that I knew would upset him if he knew I had gone there or visited with friends. I couldn’t enjoy the things I used to because he thought there were stupid or frivolous. I hated it when my phone would ring or my text message alert went off because I was scared it was him asking—no, _demanding_ to know where I was and why I wasn’t with him or at home. I…I thought it was all my fault for so long that I got used to it. I internalized it as normal. I was wrong. He was right and I shouldn’t do anything without him. I—”

She heard the clank of armor and the shuffle of boot steps. Ignoring it the best she could she pressed on knowing if she didn’t she wouldn’t finish what she felt she had to say. “I—I felt helpless, useless. I thought I was the one who was worthless, the one who was wrong about everything. I felt that way when I came here. My nightmares all center around fearing what Bryan might do. The mere mention of Earth sometimes makes me freeze up and all I can think about is what he did. What I didn’t do right…And then I get angry that I didn’t try and stop the cycle before. I hate the fact I didn’t run away sooner…I feel guilty that the authorities on my world might think that he’s responsible for my disappearance. It’s stupid and irrational but I can’t help it. I can’t…I can’t…”

Anyssa stopped talking as her words devolved into quiet sobs. It was then that she felt the hardness of plate metal against her back as strong arms wrapped around her. _Cullen_. He had moved from the corner back to the fireplace. Back to her.

His hands found hers as he whispered into her ear, his voice raw with emotion, “Yes you can. I told you I wouldn’t let you give up and I meant it.”

She held onto his hands tightly. “How—"

“Because we are both going through the same thing just for different reasons,” he replied in a whisper. “If I can endure this for 10 years and still manage to find a second chance then so can you.”

“Cullen, every time I see a noble sneering at me or talking about how I should be grateful for their interest I automatically think of Bryan. What he said. What he did. How I wasn’t strong enough to leave him. I—"

“Perhaps we were both weak then. Perhaps we both could have done things differently,” he murmured resting his brow on her shoulder. “But we are here _now_ either by fate or accident. We can be stronger together…”

“Cullen, how—"

“Please, Nys. Allow me this. I have dared to want so little in my life. I _want_ this.”

Anyssa felt so vulnerable as Cullen held her, almost like he was clinging to her for support, to draw strength from her as he had mentioned. She closed her eyes and leaned her cheek against his bowed head. She struggled to control her sobs as they slowly subsided, Cullen never letting go.

After a time, she felt Cullen lift his head, resting his chin on her shoulder. The stubble of his cheek scratching lightly against her neck. She didn’t mind. It was a familiar sensation by now. They had gradually grown accustomed to each other’s touch and now could comfort the other without stirring up unwanted memories of the past.

She held onto his hands tightly as she listened to him. “I want to be able to start over. I truly do. I know you have said you want a new life as well and that you desire to remain here. I am not sure you know exactly how happy that makes me…It helps to know that—to have someone I can trust to talk to…that might understand just a little bit…”

It was his turn to talk things out. She remained quiet and made no attempt to move from his embrace. “I…I have nightmares—night terrors. I have had them for the past 10 years…They are worse now since I have ceased taking lyrium…I find myself experiencing more frustration. I am more irritable than before I left the Order…It is due to my withdrawals. I know this but…I have always attempted to avoid crowds of people—nobles especially. I feel caged, helpless, like I am prey during a hunt. I freeze and the memories I have tried so hard to forget come rushing back. It is overwhelming…and sometimes it feels as if I am still back there. In that tower, in that cage. Praying to the Maker to release me, to make it stop…”

He paused as the fire crackled. “I…I don’t know what causes it. I try to manage it but things, people, words just remind me, and I am lost to the past. Reliving it as if I am trapped there.”

Anyssa turned her head just enough to see his profile out of the corner of her eye. “What do—What do you do—What can I do? I want to—”

“I have never asked for help before,” Cullen admitted. “I always believed it was something I must endure alone. That I was being tested by the Maker and I must repent for some sin I had committed…My faith has seem me through so much. You are correct about that, but should my faith be all that I rely on? Is it wrong to want to be rid of these things that haunt me? To have a normal life and not fear my memories? To be able to sleep without worrying what my dreams will bring me?”

The Commander placed his hands on her waist and gently turned her to face him. She offered up no resistance as she looked up at him about to ask what he was doing when he cupped her face with both hands. She looked into his golden eyes to see hope and trepidation.

“I promised you I would protect you. That you would have a choice here. That I would not let you give up on yourself. That I would see you happy in whatever form that took,” Cullen explained. “I have never asked for aid. I have never thought I would be able to trust someone with my past. That I should… _You_ changed that. I can do this alone, but I do not want to any longer…I do not wish to be alone any longer.”

“I don’t want to either,” Anyssa admitted softly.

She watched as Cullen’s expression changed to something she thought resembled happiness but there was something else. Something she thought she would never see. Longing. For her. There were too many emotions swirling around at the moment to delve into it, but it was not lost on her that she found herself wanting to know if she were correct. Pushing it aside for the moment she smiled at him.

“I…I have never met anyone like you,” she said instead.

He snorted. “I am hardly that remarkable.”

“You are to me,” she insisted.

Cullen turned red as he caressed her cheeks with his thumbs. “I will try to live up to your expectations then.”

“You already do.”

He frowned. “How?”

“Because you are you.”

“Nys…”

“Your faith has seen you through so much and you are able to recover who you are. Your faith in me is helping me to do the same thing…” Anyssa explained. “There is a lesson from one of my world’s religious texts that says something along the lines of when you encourage one another, you build each other up.”

“I—I feel the same way.”

She grinned. “I’m glad my comparative religions class in college taught me something…I just wish I had remembered that sooner.”

“I—Perhaps we could make new memories?”

“I’d like that…as long as we do it together.”

“Together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> National Domestic Violence Hotline (United States)  
> https://www.thehotline.org/  
> 1-800-799-7233  
> 1-800-787-3224 for TTY  
> if you’re unable to speak safely, you can log onto thehotline.org or text LOVEIS to 22522
> 
> Resources concerning PTSD:
> 
> American Psychiatric Association  
> https://www.psychiatry.org/patients-families/ptsd/what-is-ptsd 
> 
> National Institute of Mental Health  
> https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/topics/post-traumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd/index.shtml 
> 
> ~~~~~~~~~  
> (The religious text Nyssa is referring to is a verse from the Bible  
> 1 Thessalonians 5:11 Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing. (new international version)


	7. Bet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After some prodding from Varric, Cullen accepts a bet concerning Anyssa. Little does he realize what that will mean for his relationship with her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *** This moments takes place after chapter 16 ‘Worth’ in “Anchor”***
> 
> ***possible TW***  
> This moment touches on Anyssa's reaction to physical touch even when the other person has permission. Cullen recognizes this and asks a second time if it is okay. One of the points of this chapter was to show the level of trust they have with one another and the lengths they will go to in order to make sure the other is comfortable. I wanted to acknowledge another part of Anyssa's trauma from her relationship with Bryan and show that someone else (who I head canon has issues with touch) can recognize this and help in their own way.

“Is it an Earth thing for women to wear their hair only one way?” Varric asked as he sat with Cullen in the _Singing Maiden_.

The Commander asked, “Beg your pardon?”

The author waved vaguely towards the outside. “You know. Anyssa. Icy. Miss ponytail. She wears it only one way. Has for months. I thought you might know why.”

“ _Me_? Why in the Maker’s name would I know?” The blond soldier asked in surprise.

Varric gawked at him in disbelief. “She spends all her free time with you even when you are shouting at poor recruits. You are her self-appointed protector, curly. _How_ do you _not_ know?”

“It is not really a topic I inquire about.”

“This is the most time you've ever voluntarily spent with a female of any race isn't it?”

Cullen drank his ale determined to ignore the question. The author shrugged. “Fine. Don't confirm what is easy to guess. But I bet you do you know why she only wears it in a ponytail.”

Sighing the Commander stated, “She once told Josephine it was easier than attempting the styles common here in Thedas.”

The dwarf chuckled. “Practical but I bet you a drink if you said her hair might look nice a different way she’d do it.”

Cullen sat his mug down as he said incredulously, “She would not.”

“Care to make a harmless bet? Winner buys a round of drinks for the tavern,” Varric asked in a daring tone. “Assuming you're brave enough to ask.”

The former Templar cleared his throat. “It is not a matter of bravery. It is inappropriate to bet over a lady.”

“It's not her honor, curly. It's her _hair_ in a different style,” the author commented. “I think you’re afraid to compliment her.”

“I have complemented Anyssa before.”

“So you know how. So you must be afraid to know how much weight your opinion actually carries with her then.”

Cullen stared at his ale. Tethras’ point hitting far too close to home. “ _Fine_ , dwarf. You will have your bet.” 

“Awe, I knew you had it in you, curly. If she changes her style I win. If she doesn't you win. I think I can trust you to be a man of your word if you compliment her without witnesses. Being the good chantry boy you are.”

“Makers breath, I will regret this,” Cullen muttered as Varric laughed good naturedly.

“Cheer up, curly. Icy may even thank you for this.”

*****

Cullen glanced up from the report he had re-read a dozen times to see Anyssa writing letters to nobles for him. Josephine suggested the arrangement when she had discovered the blonde woman's affinity for writing and her patience with Cullen. It worked well and gave Anyssa something useful to do beyond her other duties.

He sighed. Her hair was still in a ponytail as she sat at the other end of his desk in the command tent.

“You keep sighing. If I didn't know better I would say you are daydreaming about a girl.”

The sounds of recruits training beyond the walls of the tent did not hide his sighing apparently. And he had learned that she had a teasing streak if she felt comfortable enough with the person. It appeared he was counted among those numbers.

“I was thinking but _not_ like that,” Cullen said annoyed. “I was thinking of a _woman_ not a girl.”

“Well that's good to know,” she said with a smile but not looking at him. “These letters are almost done. They will just need your signature and seal.”

The Commander made a noise of acknowledgement. It was now or never. Taking a breath he said quietly, “Why do you only wear your hair one way?”

Anyssa stopped writing and looked at him, her expression unreadable. “I have been here four months--

“3 1/2 months,” Cullen corrected gently.

“3 1/2 months and you have never said anything about my hair,” she commented as she finished the last sentence of the last letter.

He looked at her suddenly wondering why he had taken the bet. To prove the dwarf wrong or to see her with a different style. Maybe down, hanging loosely around her shoulders?

Rubbing the back of his neck he fumbled, “I have heard people talk …and Varric is making up stories about it...I just wondered why.”

As she neatly stacked the completed letters, she smirked, “Cullen, why are you so nervous about asking about my hair and why are you listening to others talk about me?”

Shy she may be in public but always observing she was as well. It disturbed him that she could read him so well in such a short time, but it also elated him that someone could.

“I don't--I mean I …you're still something of a mystery to people …and people naturally gossip,” he tried to explain.

Looking up at him as she slid the papers to him across the desk, Anyssa replied, “You could just ask. You've done so much for me when you didn't have to …Satisfying a bit of idle curiosity is okay ...without all the prefacing you just did as adorable as it was, Commander.”

“Makers breath,” he muttered looking away.

“Was…Was I the woman …You were thinking of?” Anyssa asked quietly. Cullen snapping his head up at her uncharacteristically bold question.

“Yes,” he admitted in an equally quiet tone.

She gave a shy smile. “I wear my hair this way because I don't know how to do it in the elaborate styles Josephine suggests.”

“You could ask her. I'm sure she would be all too happy to help,” Cullen commented. He paused before adding, “or you could wear it down …”

“Down?”

“Yes but only if you wanted to …”

Anyssa looked down at the ground of the tent. “Do—Do you want me to?”

“Only if you –“

“Do you want to see?” She asked her expression telling him she really wanted to know.

“Yes.”

Anyssa blushed as she reached to take the tie from her hair. Cullen’s voice cut through the sounds of swords clanging from outside. “Let me?”

Anyssa froze as he gently smiled at her. “Please, Anyssa?”

Slowly she nodded and lowered her hand to her lap. The Commander stood and moved to stand behind her. When nothing happened she turned to see Cullen removing his gloves. He smiled bashfully at her as he laid his gloves beside her ink and quill.

The former Templar watched as she turned forward again, her ponytail within reach once more. He slowly began to untie the knot, noting how tense she was. He knew a little of her past history concerning her experiences with some men. He hadn't considered his own actions may cause such a reaction.

“Anyssa, if you want me to stop please tell me …I cannot bear the thought of causing you discomfort merely to satisfy a ...question.” He had almost said bet but caught himself.

“You aren't …not really. I just …it is a stupid knee jerk reaction,” she explained softly, frustration evident in her tone. “He wasn't as nice as you…I know you mean what you say.”

The Commander knew she wanted to use a different word but did not want to cause him to worry. She rarely put herself first. Perhaps one day that would change.

“I do not know your complete history. Only that which you have divulged to me. But I swear to the Maker and the holy Andraste, I am not like him and will never let harm befall you.”

Anyssa turned slightly to look at him. She knew how devoted he was to his faith. He did not make such vows lightly. “Cullen, you don't –“

He dropped his to his knees in front of her, golden brown eyes sincere. “You --I don't want you to be afraid here, for however long you are here. I don't want you to fear me.”

Anyssa bit her lip. “I don't fear you. You gave me a chance to prove myself. I don't know why you did but I can't be afraid of you.”

He held her hands in his calloused battle-worn ones. “I --thank you.”

It was all he could manage to say but it was enough. Anyssa relaxed and resumed her shy demeanor. He squeezed her hands once and asked, “May I still …”

She nodded her head. Cullen went back to stand behind her and slipped the tie from her hair. Honey blonde locks fell loosely around her shoulders ending below her shoulder blades. Anyssa shifted under his gaze making him realize he had been silent for far too long.

He moved back to stand in front of her. Extending his hand to help her stand, the Commander watched as she averted her gaze toward the desk. He hated seeing her so unsure; it had been that way since she'd arrived in Thedas. He was one of the few people she allowed herself to be free with or so she had told him.

Tentatively the warrior ran a hand through her long tresses allowing them to fall across her collarbone. “You look … _lovely_ , Anyssa.”

She didn't look at him or acknowledge his statement. Instead she wrung her hands in front of her. Feeling more confident than before, Cullen went on, “Has no one ever told you such a thing?”

“And meant it? No not really. At least not in a long time,” she replied sadly.

He brought her face to look at him with a gentle touch. “Then clearly they did not know what they had before them.”

Anyssa’s whole demeanor changed at his words. She wore a broad grin as her eyes lit up. He couldn't help but smile back. He caressed her cheek once and then withdrew his hand, not sure how she would feel about prolonged contact.

Ordering his thoughts, the Commander suggested, “Let me sign and seal these and we can go to the Chantry. Josephine will want to know the accursed letters are done and perhaps you can discuss your hair ...”

“Cullen –“

“Just a thought,” he stated as he began his work. “But I think I like it down the most.”

She blushed again as she prepared his wax seal. “Is that why you took the bet?”

He whipped his head up, looking at her in what he was sure was utter shock. “I—I don’t—I didn’t mean for it—”

“Flissa told me,” Anyssa explained. “She thought it was cute…I…I’ve been waiting for you to bring it up.”

Cullen groaned and let his head fall to his desk with an audible _thump_. “Maker, you must think me to be an absolute ass now.”

Anyssa giggled. She was giggling. She wasn’t angry? Cullen turned his head to glance at her, his cheek still on the wooden desk. “You are—You aren’t angry with me?”

She shook her head as he sat back up slowly. “If you had bet about something else, say my _honor_ , oh yes. I would be furious. But this? My _hair_? Once Flissa told me what she heard, I thought it was nice.”

“Nice?”

“Umm-hummm,” she hummed. “No one has ever done anything like that…and you couldn’t just ask me like a normal person.”

Cullen rolled his eye as he rubbed the back of his neck. She was correct. He couldn’t have asked her without the damned bet despite wanting to. Now she knew and she wasn’t mad…

“I have very little experience complimenting women. I have equally little experience talking to women outside my duties,” he admitted as he chanced a glance in her direction. “I simply wanted to…assure you that I…do think you are…lovely.”

Anyssa smiled as her cheeks turned pink. “Thank you.”

He smiled and nodded not sure to which things she was thanking him for. Mentally he sighed. The damn dwarf had been right, but Cullen realized he had taken the bet not to win but to lose.

******

“So,” Varric’s voice called from the area near the steps to the Chantry. “You did it and I won.”

Cullen groaned as he reached the bottom of the steps. “Yes. And I will pay up.”

The dwarf chuckled. “I know you were good for it, Curly. And tonight will be just fine.”

“I will see you at the tavern then,” the Commander replied resuming his journey to the practice field.

“Oh wait! I don't get to ask how you did it? You seemed certain she wouldn't change it,” the author called.

Cullen stopped and walked back towards the other man. Stopping inches from the merchant, the former Templar said quietly, “No you do not get to ask. _That_ was not part of the terms of our ...bet.”

Varric threw his hands up in mock surrender. “Hey whoa there, Curly! It was just a question. Icy is…I consider her a friend too. Apparently you do as well.”

“I have had precious few over the last decade,” Cullen admitted looking up at the Breach.

“You know you've changed since Kirkwall …in a good way,” Tethras noted crossing his arms. “And she may be here for a little while or for the long haul, but she is good for you and you for her. Of course that's just my opinion.”

Cullen huffed. “You're full of opinions.”

“Storytellers usually are. I just hope your story has a happy ending,” Varric replied as he returned to his tent.

Cullen glanced after the dwarf allowing himself a rare sincere smile. Maybe the dwarf was right, but he realized what he had gained by losing the damned bet. He had realized just how much Anyssa trusted him and she did not fear him. The faint yearning for more beyond duty bloomed inside him. If that involved protecting Anyssa from everything, he would gladly do it. He had found a purpose beyond serving and surviving and was content for the first time in a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I toyed with the end of this chapter several times. One time Cullen was not going to reveal the bet. In another, he was going to tell Nyssa. I opted to have Nys already aware of the bet because while she is quiet and reserved, she is not unknowledgeable. She is well aware of what people think of her and what they think of her relationship with Cullen. She has made a conscious choice to ignore it and build her new life on her terms. She also by this point trusts Cullen enough to know he would never do anything to intentionally hurt her. That is a big step for her and one she is not yet ready to vocalize.


	8. Accent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attempting to keep up with his ever increasing work load, Cullen ponders taking a break. Unfortunately he's interrupted by an uninvited guest. The resulting encounter helps the Commander realize that things do not just change for him. Others also face similar choices and trials that shape how they fit in the world.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This moment takes place after chapter 29 'Sword' in "Anchor"*
> 
> *I head canon that French is basically Orlesian in Thedas. There are probably variations of it like there are of English on Earth. Either way, I ended up using google translate (I apologize if it is not entirely correct. Hopefully you get the idea but I'm open to corrections...)

Cullen scribbled away at the reports that cluttered his desk. Only in the Inquisition was paper work an enemy. In the Order, he never tackled so many reports, so many things demanding response on parchment. Much of it had to do with the Ambassador’s desire for a paper trail should their allies or enemies desire to cause trouble. He understood that but it still seemed unnecessarily overwhelming all the same.

In the Templar Order, he had experienced his fair share of paperwork both as Knight Captain and Knight-Commander. But this? He had no staff to speak of, no clerk to file the papers, no singular person tasked with aiding him in organizing it all. That was partially his fault he supposed. For one, after the fall of the Gallows Circle and Meredith’s demise he had developed the habit of being in tune with everything that occurred on his watch. It carried over to the Inquisition for better or worse. He had been told that many of his officers could aid him, having areas of expertise he could utilize. He had so far failed to do so.

Then there was Anyssa. In Haven as a way for her to practice her Common and Orlesian, he had allowed her to help him compose reports, inventories, and letters. It had taken a load off of him and helped her in return. Now with her position as historian she had her own duties and could not assist him as much.

Perhaps he should look into assigning certain responsibilities to his officers after all. That was what they were there for yes? He could trust them couldn’t he not? They were not power-hungry paranoid monsters correct?

Cullen closed his eyes and sighed as he signed yet another requisition request for their field outposts. His hand ached and for once it was not due to training or his withdrawals. Anyssa often said he over did things. Perhaps his current endeavor with paper work was one of them?

As he considered taking a brief break possibly to check on the practice drills, one of his doors creaked open. Unphased, Cullen opted to finish the last couple of reports needing his signature as he waited for the officer or runner to deliver their message.

_“Veuillez m’excuser. savez-vous où sont les toilettes?”_

His quill froze halfway through his signature. What was an Orlesian noble woman doing in his officer asking were the privy was?

He furrowed his brow as he said without looking up, hoping she would go away, “I’m afraid you are in the wrong area, my Lady.”

_“Désolé. Je ne vous comprends pas.”_

Cullen wrinkled his noise in annoyance as he mumbled under his breath. Why did the nobles always find him? All he wanted was to complete his task and take a small break. Was that too much to ask for?

Taking a breath, he spoke in Orlesian, _“Vous aurez besoin de revenir en arrière la façon dont vous êtes venu. Les toilettes les plus proches se trouvent à la grande salle par la porte des jardins sur votre droite.”_

_“Peut-être que le commandant ferait une pause et me montrerait?”_

“My Lady, that is highly inappro—" He cut himself off as he snapped his head up and saw Anyssa McBride standing in the middle of his office, a huge grin on her face.

The Commander glared at her. She had tricked him. She knew he frequently did not look up to greet visitors because he was engrossed in his work. She’d used that to her advantage to tease him? But her accent, the flow of her words in Orlesian…He hadn’t known it was her until he glanced up.

“You…You did that on purpose,” he accused as he lowered his quill, his half-finished signature forgotten.

Anyssa nodded, self-satisfaction evident in her expression. “I thought I would surprise you.”

“Surprise me by pretending to be an Orlesian looking for the privy of all things?”

“It caught you off guard didn’t it?” she noted smugly.

The tendency for her to tease was not completely foreign to him but the smugness that resulted when she was successful was new. She had never truly been like that in Haven but as they settled into Skyhold and she into her new roll as historian, things gradually began to change. Or more accurately, she seemed to be finding herself, her _true_ self. The one she had forgotten about; the one she had kept hidden after her relationship with Bryan. If that were the case, Cullen was ecstatic to know she was allowing him to see it. He would simply have to learn to live with it which troubled him not at all.

He relented and returned her smile. “I suppose it did.”

“Did I interrupt anything important?” she asked as she walked over to the side of his desk.

“I—Not anything that cannot wait a little while,” he admitted as he watched her come to stand beside him. “I was contemplating taking a break anyhow.”

“What kind of break?”

“The afternoon drills should be on. I thought to check on them…” he trailed as he saw her expression fall. He frowned. “What is it?”

“I—I just thought that maybe we—That you could…”

She trailed as she turned her attention to his unfinished work. She still had problems speaking up about her wants and desires even with him. He prompted her, “That we could do what, Nys?”

The use of the nickname she had asked only he use caught her attention. Ice blue eyes drifted back to his. Quickly, she said, “I thought we might go for a walk along the battlements…I’ve been busy with my duties and so have you recently…I miss spending time with you.”

He knew his smile grew wider at her words. In truth he had missed her too. With the exponential growth of the Inquisition since arriving at Skyhold and their increasing list of duties, the opportunities to see each other had dwindled. Perhaps they needed to fix that…

Cullen rose to his feet and motioned to the side door. “I think that is a lovely idea.”

“Cullen?”

He tilted his head towards her as he murmured, “I have missed you as well, Nys.”

The historian grinned up at him shyly as he guided her to the door. That grin made his day every time he saw it. But perhaps she were right. Making the time to spend with someone he thought important was just as valuable as his duty to the Inquisition. Without those connections, what were they fighting for?

~~~~~~~~

“Your accent has greatly improved,” Cullen noted after they had walked the length of the battlements, arriving at the corner tower near the tavern.

Anyssa nodded. “Mother Giselle and Leliana helped with that. Josie and Vivienne have helped with my vocabulary.”

The Commander while proud of her progress suddenly felt a pang of jealously that she was learning to be more Orlesian. What would they want of her next? For her to assimilate into Orlesian culture totally? The background Leliana had developed for her made her _Fereldan_. Was that not good enough?

“What’s wrong?” her voice called to him as he realized he had been silent for too long.

He glanced down at her from the corner of his eye. “Ah, nothing. I am glad you will be more acceptable to the Orlesians.”

She tilted her head, the braid she worn her hair in falling over her shoulder. “No you’re not.”

He arched an eyebrow. Still only knowing one another a few months and she could tell when he was simply trying to be polite. “I am glad you are better able to understand and speak one of the dominate languages in Thedas…But why must you _sound_ like one of them? You’re _Fereldan_ now…”

Anyssa smiled up at him. “You are upset that I sound like an Orlesian?”

He growled in frustration. She was enjoying this. Ribbing him. Getting a rise out of him. She was only brave enough to do it when they were alone but the woman he met in Haven would never have done so. _This_ woman who stood before him was still shy and uncertain at times, but she was bravely forging a new path for herself in a world she still did not completely understand. And somehow that translated into aggravating him just because she could.

“I see no practical purpose in it,” he admitted as he considered how to get her back as it were. “You are our historian. Your background shows you to have studied and researched several places all over Thedas. You know Orlesian in order to communicate because your academic studies would have demanded it. You are, however, Fereldan. You needn’t pretend to be something you aren’t.”

“But I’m _not_ really Fereldan, Cullen,” she noted with a sad smile. “I’m not even from here…I have to pretend to be something I’m not so that I stay safe.”

The Commander rose to his full height as he hooked a finger under her chin. “You. Are. Fereldan.”

She tried to protest but was cut off. “Your background says you are Fereldan even if that is not true by birth, it is true in spirit. You are brave, forthright, and stubborn. No one else I know could have accomplished what you have or could have overcome the hardships you have in order to be the woman standing before me…One daring to tease the Commander of the Inquisition’s army.”

Anyssa turned a brilliant shade of pink as he smiled at her smugly. Complimenting her progress was the easiest way to make her blush. Even if the words were sincere, she would deny them. There was another way though…

“ _Tu es adorable quand tu rougis, Nys_ ,” Cullen said in Orlesian making sure to emphasis his Fereldan accent.

As expected the historian turned an even darker shade. She turned away though still wearing a shy grin as he took her hand in his and brought it to his lips. Kissing the back of it, his lips lingered just a moment longer than appropriate as he murmured, “I mean it, Nyssa. All of it.”

Anyssa replied back softly with a perfect Fereldan accent, “I know, Cullen. Thank you.”

Still holding her hand, he said, “So you have mastered a Fereldan accent as well.”

“Of course I have,” she said happily. “I’m Fereldan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please forgive my use of google translate. My French is incredibly rusty...
> 
> Google translate:  
> Veuillez m’excuser. savez-vous où sont les toilettes [Excuse me. Do you know where the restroom is?]
> 
> Désolé. Je ne vous comprends pas. [I am sorry. I do not understand you.]
> 
> Vous aurez besoin de revenir en arrière la façon dont vous êtes venu. Les toilettes les plus proches se trouvent à la grande salle par la porte des jardins sur votre droite. [You will need to go back the way you came. The closest restroom is off the Great Hall through the door to the gardens on your right.]
> 
> Peut-être que le commandant ferait une pause et me montrerait? [Perhaps the commander would take a break and show me?]
> 
> Tu es adorable quand tu rougis, Nys. [You are adorable when you blush, Nys.]


	9. Duel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa wonders what it would be like to have someone duel on her behalf after Evie participates in one for Josephine. Weeks later her friends point out that there is someone who would duel for her even if she won’t admit it to herself. But what does that actually mean?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *This moment takes places at two separate times. Each section is preceded by a note indicating when they take place.*
> 
> ***tw: in the first section Anyssa discusses how Bryan talked to her and how that made her feel. Just be aware***

**_After “Anchor” chapter 35 ‘Battle’ and “Moments”— ‘Dragons’_ **

“You know the Boss high-tailed it to Val Royeaux without telling Josie about it right?” Bull noted as he took another swig of his drink.

“Yeah, Tiny. We figured that out,” Varric replied jotting notes down in a leather-bound journal.

The tavern was relatively quiet that particular evening but that didn’t prevent The Iron Bull from drinking. Varric, Dorian, Anyssa, and Cullen--albeit reluctantly, had joined the leader of the Chargers for dinner at the Herald’s Rest. The Commander only agreed because he had unwisely admitted to the historian he had not eaten that day at all. To quell her worry as well as to keep her from pestering him every second to eat something. She knew exactly why he had agreed but didn’t rub it in his face. Instead she had simply grinned at him and led him to the tavern.

“I don’t understand duels or at least _this_ duel exactly,” Anyssa commented as she set her fork down. “I am familiar with them from… _before_ I came to the Inquisition. But I have no firsthand experience with them.”

“You mean there are no great epic tales of duels from where you are from?” Varric asked curiosity evident in his tone. He was always listening for tidbits of her life from before that he might be able to work into one of his books.

“Epic tales? Yes. Real life duels? No,” she replied as she took a sip of her ale. “Things in the modern world work a little differently.”

Dorian chuckled. “I suppose your culture has a more sophisticated way of dealing with disputes.”

Anyssa sighed. “I wish. There was the court systems and mediation. Sometimes people could be adult enough to talk out their differences without resorting to those methods. Unfortunately, a lot of people didn’t…Some used violence to settle things. Others used words…that were hurtful…”

The table grew quiet as she played with her food. Her gaze fell towards the uneaten meal on her plate as she admitted, “It was easy for people to bully others without having to face them. Where I’m from there exists a type of communication that was almost instantaneous. Some people were emboldened by that because they didn’t have to actually face the other party…”

“Hey, Icy, you’re starting to get depressing,” the author said attempting to lighten the mood. “People have differences. That’s just a fact. Words are just words.”

Anyssa looked up at the dwarf. “No. They aren’t. And you know that, Varric.”

“What do you mean? I write words all the time and no one gets hurt,” he argued but his expression showed that he knew exactly what the historian was talking about.

“You don’t purposefully craft them to a specific person with the goal of hurting them,” she said as her volume gradually increased. “Some people do. That’s _all_ they do. They _thrive_ on it.”

“Hey, I didn’t—”

“My tormenter was right in front of me, living with me. We couldn’t work through our differences because he didn’t want to,” McBride went on, her agitation over-riding the need for the caution she so often exercised when discussing her past. “He wanted me to be afraid, to think I couldn’t do anything without him. That I was _worthless_ …That _I_ was the one who was wrong. That I—”

“Nyssa,” Cullen’s voice called from beside her, his hand resting lightly on her forearm.

She turned to him, looking despondent. “Wha—”

“I believe that is enough for now,” the Commander suggested gently as he squeezed her arm.

She looked into his golden-brown eyes and nodded. Blinking several times she attempted to regain control over her emotions. Why had she lost it when Evie’s duel for Josephine was mentioned? Was it because no one had fought for her on Earth or because she hadn’t allowed anyone to?

Anyssa returned her attention to her meal as Cullen endeavored to redirect the conversation. “This nonsense about a duel is… _infantile_. Why could Josephine simply not call off the engagement? She is obviously being courted by the Inquisitor. Does that not count for something?”

Dorian let out a chortle. “Ah, my dear Commander. That is simply not how nobility deals with these sorts of situations. Even in the quaint South of yours, the nobles cannot simply let a perceived injury go unanswered.”

“ _Injury_?” Cullen scoffed as he reached for his mug. “It is not war. No blood was spilled. It is an arranged marriage done without Josephine’s consent.”

“Arranged marriages can lead to war if not completed,” Bull noted as he eyed Anyssa. “Families need those to make alliances. The Montilyets are no different. They either make profitable connections or they meet their demise.”

“That makes no sense,” Cullen protested as he shifted in his seat. “Marriage is more than a contract, more than a convenience. It is a union between two people who love one another, who would do anything for the other, who accept each other for who they are, who—”

Cullen stopped once he realized that the others at the table including Anyssa were staring at him. Most of their expressions reflected amusement except for Anyssa. She regarded him with wonder and surprise. He narrowed his eyes. “ _What?”_

“I never pegged you for the romantic type, curly,” Varric chuckled. “Seeker is going to love this.”

“I am not…” Cullen said as he caught Anyssa’s eye. She looked at him with a raise eyebrow as if she wanted to protest but chose to remain quiet.

“Oh, come now, Cullen. Surely you would participate in a duel for the woman you cared about,” Dorian needled as he sipped his ale.

“I see no purpose in duels _or_ arranged marriages,” the Commander answered firmly.

Anyssa turned back to her food, not adding anything to the conversation. She picked at her food as Bull chimed in. “You know I think you _would_ duel someone for the right woman.”

“I am a soldier. The Commander of the Inquisition’s army. Why would I duel anyone for—”

“Ah, curly? I’d stop right there. I think you’re disappointing Icy,” Varric noted as his gaze flickered to the silent historian.

Cullen frowned and then glanced over at her. “Nyssa?”

She refused to respond. Simply concentrating on finishing her meal, she made no further eye contact with anyone at the table.

“Oh, dear,” Dorian said. “I do believe you’ve damaged her perception of how noble and chivalrous you are supposed to be, Cullen.”

Bull let out a hardy laugh as Cullen growled and retuned his attention to his own meal. The rest of dinner passed without Anyssa or Cullen’s input.

Anyssa refused to look at the Commander or even acknowledge his attempts to have a side conversation with her. Were the others right? Was she mad because her perception of Cullen was tarnished somehow after what he said?

The conversation was foolish. Cullen was right. Arranged marriages were stupid but dueling? Maybe that was stupid too, but to have someone duel for her would have been—

Stupid. It was all stupid. Knights in shining armor were not real. Just a fairy tale. Thedas was real and dueling was not romantic. No matter what Cassandra and Josephine said.

*****

**_After “Anchor” chapter 41 ‘Dwarves’ before “Moments” chapter 42 ‘Noble’_ **

“Leli! You will never guess what I received from our couriers today,” Josephine exclaimed as she came into her office followed by Evelyn.

The Spymaster glanced up from the papers she was reading over with Anyssa, eyeing her friend critically. “Whatever it is, it has you both surprised _and_ amused.”

Evie chuckled behind her as they sat down on the chaise across from them. The fire crackled from the Ambassador’s hearth as Josephine exchanged amused glances with the Inquisitor. The Antivan cleared her throat, attempting to remain prim and proper. “I received a letter and a package from Antiva City.”

“I assume that this letter does _not_ involve a surprise betrothal,” Leliana quipped with a smile.

“Oh, no!” Montilyet confirmed adamantly, shaking her head. “The opposite in a way.”

Anyssa glanced between the three women wondering if she were missing something. Marriage customs and almost anything to do with the ways of the nobility in Thedas was still a mystery to her. On those subjects she agreed with Cullen: all the posturing and saving face was unnecessary. And _trying_.

“Um, forgive me, but am I missing something?” the historian finally asked as she placed the stack of papers in her lap. She and Leliana had been refining the sypher system they had developed using English from Earth. So far none of their enemies had been able to decipher the code.

Evie giggled. “It’s okay, Anyssa. Hopefully you won’t have to go through any of what Josie and I have because of noble status.”

Anyssa felt even more confused as Josephine gave her a sympathetic look. “The letter I received is from Lord Otranto. It explains that he agrees to the terms of our new alliance. He graciously relinquished any claim to an arranged marriage without complaint. I felt it was only fair to offer him a small partnership with my family’s shipping fleet now that we are able to trade once more on the seas.”

She turned to Evie with a tender smile. “Thanks in no small part to Evelyn.”

“At least you are no longer cross with me,” the Inquisitor replied, kissing Josie quickly.

The Ambassador blushed as she began again, “Yes, well…It was still daring…and dangerous…and…”

“ _Romantic_ ,” Leliana finished for her. It was clear the Spymaster was happy for her friend and still harbored some sense of romanticism she had carried with her as a youth.

“I—Yes,” Josephine admitted, fidgeting with the letter in hand.

“What about the package?” Anyssa asked, letting her curiosity get the better of her.

“Oh, well _that_ is a gift,” she replied.

“A gift? From the man Evie dueled? How— _Why_ —”

Leliana interrupted with a smile. “It is Otranto’s way of smoothing things over. He would rather have the alliance with Josie’s family _and_ be on the Inquisition’s good side than chance our wrath.”

“But Evie wouldn’t do anything to him now and the duel wasn’t to the death,” McBride replied in confusion.

“No, I wouldn’t unless he threatened Josie or her family,” Trevelyan confirmed as she watched the Earth woman ponder more of Thedas’ customs she clearly didn’t understand or agree with. “You must admit that dueling for someone who means the world to you _is_ romantic. Surely Cassandra even thinks so.”

Anyssa bit her lip as the others waited for a response. “I—I wouldn’t know…No one has ever dueled on my behalf before…No one wanted to do anything like that.”

“On Earth you mean,” Evie clarified, with a knowing expression.

The honey blonde looked at the Ostwick noble. She shook her head. “I mean anywhere. Why would they?”

Leliana noted, “You cannot mean that. You truly have not noticed?”

Anyssa glanced at the Spymaster. “Noticed what?”

Before the bard could answer, Josephine said gently, “There are people who care for you here, Anyssa. You sit amongst three of them. There are many more. We will stand up for you if the need arises. This you know. What you pretend not to know, is that there is a very specific individual who would do anything for you.”

Anyssa froze. No one was supposed to have picked up on that. She was just a blissfully ignorant or naive woman from another world still learning how to live in a new land while relearning how to connect with people. Under that pretense no one expected her to notice such things as romantic affections of another or the like. Apparently that pretense no longer worked with her friends.

She shook her head. “I don’t think—That makes things complicated and he—”

Evie said as she cut herself off, “ _He?_ You _know_ who he is, and you _know_ what he would do for you. So quit pretending that he wouldn’t fight a duel for you. You are the _only_ reason he would consider participating in one.”

The historian glanced away at the fire. Evie had called her out and she could say nothing against that. The Inquisitor was correct. She knew exactly who he was and exactly what he would do for her. Denying it in front of her friends was futile. The thing was that knowing it and accepting it were two very different things.

~~~~~~

“Nys, I am so very sorry to—”

She shushed him gently as she applied a cool cloth to his forehead as he laid his head in her lap on her sofa. “Don’t worry about it. I told you that you could come here anytime you needed to.”

The Commander let out a sigh of relief as she feathered her fingers through his hair. The golden locks long since having been disheveled by a restless sleep. “Still, that was for nightmares not _this_.”

His tone was one of frustration as he looked up at her from under the cloth. That earned him a gentle scolding. “Close your eyes. Your headache will only get worse if you don’t relax. You don’t have to do anything, Cullen. Just let the medicine do its work.”

He complied with her orders with a snort. “When have you ever known me to relax?”

“I’ve been privy to that rare occurrence a time or two,” she reminded him as she continued her ministrations. He could be so stubborn sometimes. Even though he was accepting help, he was still stubborn about it. “It will get better _only_ if you relax and quite fighting it. Nothing is going to happen.”

“My withdrawals are not so accommodating,” he complained as the fire cast flickering shadows across his face. “I did not think this would happen now. I have not—”

“The Grand Ball is next week, and you do not want to go,” she reminded him, knowing full well what had brought on his current withdrawal episode. Thankfully, she had anticipated their current situation and had procured at rune that kept water cold when used.

He growled. “I do not need to be reminded of that.”

Anyssa sighed as she removed the cloth, soaking it in a bowl of water again. Ringing it out she moved to replace it over his eyes but stopped when she saw he had one eye cracked open to watch her. “ _Cullen_.”

“I wish you could go,” he murmured as he closed his eye.

She arched an eyebrow as she replaced the cloth. Before he had always said he did not want her to go and be exposed to the nobles at the Winter Palace. Now he wanted her to attend?

She remained quiet for a while as she felt him relax against her. Resuming running her fingers though his hair, Anyssa tried to understand what he was thinking. Josephine has insisted Anyssa remain at Skyhold to help with the ambassadors’s absence while at the Winter Palace and the fact that she still wasn’t attuned enough with the nobility to navigate the Grand Ball safely. Anyssa had whole heartedly agreed. But now?

Did he really want her to go or was it just the withdrawals talking? He had previously said it would be unsafe…

Cullen’s hand coming to hold her free one drew her back to the present. He moved their hands to lay on his chest. His voice was laden with sleep as he murmured, “I want you there, but it isn’t safe…I just wish…that going wasn’t necessary and I could remain here with you.”

She smiled down at him. That fact he wanted to remain at Skyhold in part because of her stirred-up feelings she tried very hard not to acknowledge. Instead of facing those, she offered tentatively, “I—I could go with you if you talked to Josie and Evie about it—"

“ _No!”_ He exclaimed all traces of sleepiness evaporating as he bolted up right. “Absolutely not!”

Anyssa watched as he winced, the cloth having fallen into her lap. His hand went to his head, as he gritted out, “I’ll not have you anywhere near that pit if vipers!”

“But you said—"

Cullen shook his head, taking a labored breathe, all the progress he had made towards relaxing gone. “My personal preferences do not override the needs of the Inquisition or the promise I made to keep you safe.”

“But—"

The bells tolled signaling the time to be an hour after midnight. Cullen attempted to push himself up from the sofa. “I should leave you be. I—"

Anyssa gently pulled him back down to the cushions beside her. “Shouldn’t leave because I upset you.”

“Nyssa,” he breathed heavily. “I can’t chance anything will happen to you.”

“I just thought to make things easier for you.”

He cupped her cheek as he murmured, his brow furrowed in pain, “I can’t let anything happen to you. I will be able to do my duty because you will be here. _Safe_.”

“Cullen…”

“Please, Nyssa, try and understand,” he pleaded. “I will do anything to keep you safe.”

His words stunned her into silence. The conversation with Josie, Evie, and Leliana replayed in her mind as he took her silence as her agreement. She automatically moved the cloth as he once again placed his head in her lap. This time he kept ahold of her free hand, lacing their fingers together. She glanced down to see him closing his eyes, his breathing evening out.

She frowned as she placed the cloth back on his forehead, carding her fingers through his blond curls. _He would do anything for her…_ She knew that. Everyone seemed to know that. Hearing it from him was mind blowing though.

Could she accept that though? That was the real question.

“If you aren’t there, I won’t have to accept a duel to defend your honor,” Cullen noted with a hint of humor.

“What?”

“A duel, Nys. You said no one had ever participated in one on your behalf on Earth and you said no one would have reason to here,” he clarified. Squeezing her hand, he added, “You don’t realize the attention some of the nobles wish to pay you…I would participate in one of those idiotic duels for you if need be.”

“You…Josie said something to you didn’t she?”

“Not explicitly, but it is the truth. I would do anything for you…” he answered with a half grin as he peeked up at her through half-closed eyes. “…including an idiotic duel.”

“Cullen—"

He closed his eyes as he settled against her. “You _are_ worth it.”

It was the last thing he said before he drifted off to sleep. He had said it before but at that particular moment it finally sunk in. It was one thing to have multiple people tell you such a thing. It was another to have someone show it. And still another to realize it for yourself.

Maybe she was worth it. Worth more than what Bryan had said on Earth, more than what she had come to believe because of him. Now she could be more than she had become. She was more…

Anyssa glanced down at a lightly snoring Cullen, their hands still clutched tightly to his chest. If he could do anything including a duel which he hated for her, she could do the same. She could do more for him. Or was she already doing more than anyone else had? He was asleep in her lap, trusting her to keep the demons, nightmares, and withdrawals away.

She smiled as she placed a tender kiss on his brow. She would do anything for him as well. Maybe one day she could tell him that.


	10. History

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Anyssa’s troubled sleep results in her seeking out Cullen for comfort. In the end, his attempts to distract her reveal more about her past on Earth; both realizing that their history does not have to define their future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***this moment takes places between Chapter 45 ‘Innocent’ and Chapter 46 ‘Memory’ in “Anchor”***
> 
> **TW— mentions of Anyssa’s nightmares concerning Bryan from Earth**

Cullen was accustomed to working well into the night. It was a habit. There never seemed to be enough time in the day to accomplish all he felt he needed to. But also, his nightmares would be there to greet him when the Fade finally took him. His sleep before his cessation of lyrium had never been the same since Kinloch Hold but after his vow to renounce the lyrium and the Order it was worse. On a good night he could muster a handful of hours before the night terrors began. No matter what, his sleep was broken until recently…

After he had returned from the Shrine of Dumat, he had shared quarters with a certain Inquisition historian a few times. During those nights, the night terrors still plagued him, but he was not alone when he awoke. Anyssa was there to talk him through his panic, to lessen his fear, to ground him, to be his anchor. Either in her quarters or his loft, it made no difference. Her presence didn’t banish the nightmares and memories. He doubted it ever would, but he wasn’t alone anymore…

As he glanced at the slowly dwindling stack of reports that by all rights could wait until the morning, fatigue made itself known as his muscles tensed and his eyes threatened to close. He really should get to bed. It was passed midnight and he had promised Anyssa an early morning ride...

_Knock…Knock…Knock…_

The soft rapt on his door could only be from one person. But this late?

“Enter.”

The wooden door opened with barely a sound to reveal Anyssa McBride clad in a dark blue cloak with a book in hand. She glanced at him quickly and then turned to closed the door swiftly behind her. Her hair was pulled back in a loose ponytail that fell to her midback. He watched as she turned back in his general direction, shuffling her way towards him.

He frowned. She had yet to say anything. He noticed her fidgeting with the pages of the book. It looked as if it was a history book. What was wrong?

“Nyssa?”

She shook her head, keeping her eyes to the floor as she came to stand beside his desk. He looked up at her as she briefly met his gaze. She chewed her lip as he noticed how upset her expression was. Without thinking he pulled her into his lap, cradling her head against his shoulder.

Running his fingers through her hair, he asked softly, “What troubles you, Nyssa? You should be asleep by now.”

“I know,” she murmured against his shoulder. “I just…”

She trailed off as she shifted in his lap as if trying to burrow closer to him somehow. He kissed the crown of her head. “Nys, you can tell me. You know this…Was it a nightmare?”

She nodded as she gripped her book tightly. “I—I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn’t. I tried to read one of the books you gave me but…I…I just…wanted to see you…”

“You can come here anytime you want. You know that,” Cullen replied as he glanced down at the book. It was on the history of the Therein royal family, from Calenhad’s rise to Ferelden’s current ruler.

She nodded her head again. “I…I had that dream again…the one where Bryan just randomly shows up here somehow and corners me and—”

“Shhh,” he soothed holding her tighter. “You do not need to speak of it unless you wish. You do not have to have an excuse to see me. Even in the middle of the night. You are welcome here any time. I want you here any time you want to be.”

He felt her grip his shirt. Glancing a final time at the stack of paperwork that could wait, he made up his mind. “Anyssa, would you like to remain here with me?”

McBride nodded again as she whispered, “Yes.”

With her agreement, he scooped her up in his strong arms and carried her over to the ladder. She made no protest as he set her down and indicated for her to proceed up the ladder. “I’ll be up in a moment.”

She nodded and climbed in silence. The Commander watched her for a moment, realizing how impractical a ladder was to access your quarters when you were in a relationship with someone. He sighed. Maybe one day after Corypheus was dealt with he would take Josephine up on her offer of quarters in the Inquisitor’s tower.

For the time being he would settle for snuffing out the candles, stoking the fire, and retreating to his loft to be with the woman he had come to love. Once he entered the loft and closed the trap door, he found Anyssa curled up in the middle of his bed. Her cloak discarded on the chest at the foot of the bed while the book remained clutched to her chest. He quickly took his boots off and slid his shirt over his head. Sliding into the bed behind her, he pulled the blankets up over them both as he spooned up to her.

Holding her in his arms, he kissed the bare shoulder her thin strapped nightgown exposed. He hadn’t known until then that she had literally come from bed straight to his tower. Her nightmares weren’t as frequent as his but that made them no less intense. She moved closer to him, remaining silent as she did so. He would not make her talk, but he knew all too well that she was still thinking of the nightmare. She needed a distraction. She had tried to use the book earlier. One that he had given her. Perhaps that could still work?

“Nys, you are always reading a history book of some sort or asking the different travelers that come to Skyhold about where they are from, about their history and culture. You said you were a historian on Earth, that you work in preservation. Why are you so interested in history? Did someone inspire you?”

She shifted slightly against him, her fingers finding his. “I grew up around it.”

He arched an eyebrow. “Nys, there must be more than that.”

She sighed. “There is…I just haven’t thought about why I chose historical preservation as a career in a long time…”

He sensed there was more to it than just the passage of time. He nuzzled her neck, his stubble pricking at her skin. She squirmed at his silent encouragement to continue.

“I…My parents were into history. My mom was a curator for a museum and my dad was a park ranger for a historical site. I tagged along to both their jobs because I thought it was cool—interesting,” she explained. “My friends thought I was a nerd.”

“ _Nerd?”_

“Oh…well, on Earth that’s usually something that someone is called when they are really into something academic or something that is not mainstream or popular,” she clarified.

“So on your world I would have been denoted a nerd because I read,” Cullen said, a grin tugging at his lips. If she were also called a nerd, he would accept the word as a compliment.

She made an affirmative noise. “Since Varric says you used to take a book to a tavern, then yes.”

“I was trying to pass the time,” he said defensively. If her teasing was any indication, his attempt to distract her was working even if it were at his expense.

“By reading in a tavern? You are supposed to drink and laugh and have a good time.”

“I have always found it difficult to do that…except with you.”

“Cullen.”

“What is a park ranger?” the Commander asked wanting to change the subject.

“Oh! That’s like a person who is tasked to keep a historical site safe and provide tours and information on it too. My dad did both. He liked giving the school kids tours…”

She grew quiet again. He caressed her cheek. “Nyssa?”

“It’s nothing…just that I chose this line of work because of them and they never got to see me achieve it. I mean I know there is no way they would be able to know of anything here in Thedas but what I did on Earth…they didn’t get to see either because they died in a car accident my last year in high school.”

He was silent for a moment. She had never spoken in detail of her parents’ death. “How old were you?”

“!7.”

She was just two years younger than he had been when the Blight had claimed his parents. He was unsure of the age of majority on Earth but surely she hadn’t been on her own at that age. It was then that he remembered a conversation from some months ago. She had mentioned living with an aunt and uncle when she first began attending university and then having to leave.

“Nyssa, was there no one after that whom you could rely upon?”

She shook her head. “I thought I could…My grandma died my second year in high school, so I had to go live with my mother’s brother and his wife. They had kids but they were already in college. I thought that I would live with them until I graduated and left for college. It seemed fine. But when I went to college and was signing off on the student loans the amount was much larger than what I thought I needed. My parents had left me enough money to pay for at least half my college education, but it wasn’t there…They had taken the money for themselves and never told me.”

“They _stole_ the money your parents left you for your education?”

“Yes. They said my choice of majors was impractical and I owed them,” she replied bitterly. “I changed colleges to get as far away from them as possible. Later I took them to court to get my money back. I eventually won the case but by that time they had turned the rest of the family against me. I haven’t had anything else to do with them since.”

He rose up and kissed her cheek. “You have a family now, here, and I am so very proud of you for everything you have accomplished.”

Cullen watched as she turned red. “You’re just saying that.”

“No I am not, and you know it,” he countered as she focused on the book.

He took it from her and opened it to the cover. “Do you remember when I gave this to you?”

“Yes. It was after Satinalia when I gave you the book of Arthurian legends from Varric’s printer,” Anyssa replied covering his hand with hers.

“Yes. And I keep that book in my nightstand drawer and read it every time I have trouble sleeping,” he offered as he ran his finger across the words he’d written inside the cover. “I read what you wrote to me first and always. Do you remember what you wrote?”

She didn’t reply even though he was sure she remembered. He murmured in a soft voice, “ _Thank you for always being there when I needed you._ ”

The Commander hugged her. “Now what do the words inside _this_ book say?”

He watched as she moved to better view the words written in his familiar penmanship. She murmured, “ _I will always be here for you_.”

“And I will,” he promised. “No matter what history has taught you, our future is what we make it. And I will make it one where I never leave your side. I will never let anyone hurt you as you have been in past. I will always be here for you. I swear it.”

Anyssa finally let go of the book and turned to him. She gazed up at him with adoration. “I know.”

Those two words sent a wave of relief through him as he kissed her tenderly. Settling against the pillows with her in his arms, he knew she would be alright. There would always be the threat of unwanted memories and nightmares for them both but together they could challenge what their history had laid before them and make their future their own.


	11. Warrior

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the final battle with Corypheus nearing, those closest to Cullen begin to consider their options for when the Inquisition wins. Realizing he has discussed with Anyssa what she might do in the future and that he wanted to be with her, he never truly considered what he might do. Being a warrior no longer holds the same meaning for him it once did. Was it possible to find a different way to serve the Maker and still protect the ones he cares for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this moment occurs after chapter 50 'Home' in "Anchor"**

“Everyone seems on edge,” Anyssa commented during dinner in the Great Hall. A few of the inner circle joined them during the later than usual meal. The latest War Council meeting had lasted longer than normal after Morrigan revealed that Flemeth had told her how to counter Corypheus’ dragon.

“Wouldn’t you be if there was a dark spawn magister biding his time to strike?” Varric asked pointedly. “This shit I can’t make up and put in a book.”

“I thought you were going to write a book about this?” McBride said as she picked up her mug.

The author snorted. “ _This Shit is Weird: The Inquisitor Trevelyan Story_ …It’ll be the biggest non-fiction story that reads like fiction ever printed.”

“What if the _Tale of the Champion_?” Evie asked from the other end of the table.

“Fiction is always based on truth so it’s a true story,” the dwarf replied with a broad grin.

“That made no sense. Lies cannot be true,” Cassandra protested.

Cullen sighed heavily. The Seeker and author had slowly become friends but would never admit it. Regardless their relationship was based on provoking the other. Watching the two exchange barbs was always entertaining. Now as they ate their dinner, the Commander’s thoughts made their way back to Anyssa’s original comment. Everyone was on edge including himself, but it wasn’t for just the obvious reason.

Many were anxious for the final confrontation with Corypheus, to end the Elder One himself. Cullen knew he was as well, but other thoughts plagued his mind. When Corypheus was defeated the Inquisition’s mission would change. What would that mean both in a broad sense and on a smaller level for him personally? If the Inquisition ended as he knew it would one day, what would he do? How would he start over again and support Anyssa? How—

“Hey, curly! You in there?” Varric’s voice called from across the table.

Cullen looked up from his half-eaten plate. “I’m sorry?”

He knew it sounded like a question, but he didn’t know what else to say. Apparently he had been lost in thought again and missed a large part of an ongoing conversation. He heard Anyssa stifle a giggle next to him as the dwarf repeated his question, “Icy over there asked Seeker about being the next Divine—"

“ _Possibly_ being the next Divine,” Cassandra corrected.

“Okay, possibly being the next Divine. I asked what you thought of that,” the author explained. “The Inquisition will only last so long after Corypheus is finally dealt with. Would you take a job as her—I don’t know—right hand or military advisor or something equally imposing sounding?”

“No,” he stated flatly as he returned his attention to his remaining food.

Varric snorted. “What would you do then? Retire and raise a bunch of Mabari?”

“I wouldn’t mind that,” Anyssa notes a with a grin as she glanced at the Commander. He gave her a nod of appreciation but remained silent.

“Well that’s all fine and well for curly. But what about you, icy? What are your plans?” The author asked with interest.

“I—I hadn’t really thought about it until recently…I’ve been so busy just trying to start over here I hadn’t considered what to do later…”

“Gee I wonder what brought that on,” Varric commented wryly.

“Varric be nice,” Cassandra scolded.

“Just calling it like I see it Seeker.”

“Our historian is a very resilient woman. I’m sure she will find something worthwhile to do,” Evie noted with a smile. “I’m sure a former Templar will be more than willing to help.”

Anyssa sat her fork down. “I know I would like to see more of Ferelden. I’ve been assured it isn’t all covered with snow.”

Cullen arched an eyebrow but continued to eat. She grinned., “ _And_ I think I might like to travel a little and see some places beyond Ferelden’s borders.”

“Josephine would love to have you visit Antiva. I’m sure she would not mind you spending time at her family’s estate…” Evie offered up with enthusiasm.

“I would not recommend Nevarra without an escort…” Cassandra stated firmly.

“You know the Free Marches aren’t that bad,” Varric chimed in. “Kirkwall has improved a lot in the past three years. I know a place you could stay—"

“No,” Cullen interrupted automatically.

“Nothing would happen to her, curly. You have my word. She could stay at my estate or at the Hanged Man—"

“No.”

“No to which part?”

“All of it. Anyssa will _not_ go to Kirkwall.”

“Awww, you’re no fun, curly.”

“Cullen, why—"

“I am not usually one to tell you what to do but on this issue I must insist. Kirkwall is not a place you should visit. At least not yet…”

“It’s been three years, Cullen,” Cassandra reminded him gently.

“And the Prince of Starkhaven has threatened to annex it. Vael would have if the Inquisition had not stepped in,” Cullen stated setting his fork down. “It is still too unstable to guarantee here safety and I will not take that chance.”

“Cullen, I only thought—"

“It was not a place you marked on your map. Please, Nyssa let it go,” the Commander pleaded as he gazed at her intently.

She nodded as Varric asked, “ _Map_? Are you planing a trip, icy?”

“All I did was mark places I wanted to visit at some point,” she explained quietly.

“So is this traveling for a honeymoon possibly?” The author prodded.

“ _Dwarf_ ,” Cullen warned as Nyssa turned red.

“It’s a legitimate question,” Varric insisted. “You two _are_ together now.”

Anyssa chewed her bottom lip as Cullen growled.

It was Cassandra who spoke up. “Leave then be. Let them enjoy the newness of their relationship without all the expectations reality will soon set upon them..”

“You just want me to write another _Swords and Shields_ book and base it on them.”

“Why not? Wouldn’t it be romantic and based on real life? It would be inspiring…”

Cullen ignored them for the rest of their meal as Anyssa became quiet. Less than two months. They had been together less than two months and people were already wondering about their future plans. Should they make any? Should he consider the fact he was only qualified to be a soldier? What would he do after? What could he do? How would Anyssa look at him if he told her he no longer wished to carry a sword? That he wanted something different? That he wanted whatever he chose to do to be with her?

~~~~~~~

The pair had retired to Anyssa’s quarters in silence. The simple comment of hers from earlier had morphed into thoughts that Cullen had tried to put off until Corypheus was dealt with. Until he had an opportunity to sort through all the new directions his life could take. His one choice to accept Cassandra’s offer to lead the Divine’s army had lead to so much more than simply finding a way to atone.

He had a new purpose, a new way to serve the Maker in a way he felt mattered. He was learning to do things on his own terms, to make his own choices again. He had ceased taking lyrium, even knowing the dangers associated with it, knowing it would make his nightmares worse. He had people who he had come to genuinely care for and they for him. _Friends_. Something he never thought he would have in abundance. He had someone to share a life with--the Maker willing. He could love someone…

Cullen sat on the sofa reading one of the books of Arthurian legend Anyssa had put together for him. The legends of Camelot and the knights of the round table fascinated him so much that she continually added to what she had told him. Now he read the familiar stories to distract himself from the conversation from earlier, from the uncertainties it has conjured up. He wanted no doubts concerning his future with Anyssa. He _had_ a future now. One of his own choosing and that both amazed and terrified him. Either way, he could not see himself without her in his life now.

He glanced up, turning to watch as Anyssa brushed her hair at her dresser. She had changed into her night gown not too long ago, preparing for bed. He was gradually finding it comfortable to have a domestic routine with her. He had never shared quarters with anyone save in a barracks setting. When he was a child, he’d shared a room with his younger brother. But never with a romantic partner.

He found himself smiling as he watched her. He could do this. He could fall asleep with her every night and wake to her every morning. He could retire to their quarters everyday after his work was completed. He could have every meal with her. He could have everything with her including a future. He could tell her what he thought they might do in that future…

“Nys?”

“Mmmmm?” She continued to brush her hair.

“Nyssa, please, look at me.”

She set the brush down and turned to him. Her expression one of curiosity and concern. “What is it, Cullen? Are you alright?”

“I…I need to tell you something…”

“Alright.”

“Earlier this evening, at dinner, when the other talked about what they might do when the Inquisition ends…” he began slowly. “I did not say anything then and I have not said anything before except to say that I want to still be with you, and we could travel if you liked.”

She nodded. “I remember. I believe you also said we could visit your family at some point when you are ready.”

“Yes, but I told you I would think more about how we would live…And I have but I am not sure how feasible an undertaking it is…”

He watched as Anyssa set her brush down and walked over to him. Gazing up at her with uncertain eyes he opened his mouth to ask what she was doing when she beat him to it. “Cullen, you have done so many things both before my arrival here and since that people thought impossible. What makes this any different?”

He hesitated. He had doubts. He probably always would but …

“I am a warrior no matter what title or position I’ve held. No matter what organization I was a part of. Since I was 13 I have been trained to fight, to do battle, to protect others with a sword. I made that choice at the age of 8 to join the Templars. I have known no other life but when I look to the future now all I can see to an empty path. I have no guidance, no compass to point the way. _I_ have to choose, and I am not sure I know how…”

His gaze fell to the floor. He wanted to have a plan, to be able to tell her for sure what he wanted. He wanted to provide a secure future for her. To give her something she could trust would always be there…

Her small hand took the forgotten book from his lap and set in on the side table. He heard her move closer as she said, “Don’t you think I might know that? You have experienced so many changes in the past few years. You have been able to make your own choices for the first time in a long time. You don’t have to follow someone else’s lead…You aren’t the only one relearning how to do that…I’m just glad that I’ve been able to do that _with_ you.”

He automatically smiled as he reached for her. Anyssa complied as he brought her to sit in his lap. Cupping her cheek, the Commander murmured, “You have come so far. I…I never thought the woman I rescued from Fade demons on a frozen lake would be the one I have come to love…That you could trust me so much after everything…”

“Then trust that I want to know what your thoughts about a future are and that I will supposed you,” she encouraged as she placed a hand over his on her cheek.

He nodded and took a breath. “I want to retire from active service once the Inquisition is no longer needed. I want to be with you. I want us to have a home, a real one that is _ours_. I want to still be able to protect people, to serve but not as a warrior, not with my sword…I want to—I don’t want my struggles with lyrium to benefit only myself. I want to help others who wish to follow my actions.”

She began to say something until he silenced her with a thumb over her lips. “Yes. I know I am not completely through my withdrawals. There is a chance they will continue to affect me the rest of my life, but I believe they will become more manageable and lessen over time. But I can still help others.”

“How?”

“A retreat. A sanctuary if you will. For those wanting to cease lyrium or those who are nearing the end of their lives, when the lyrium has begun to take their mind. I would see them taken care of. Where they neither have to fight the lyrium alone or waste away alone. They deserve better. The Chantry should have done better by then. I will see that they have a place to go.”

Anyssa smiles at him. He looked at her confused. “What?”

“You will always want to protect. It’s part of who you are and has never been taken from you. I am so proud of you for wanting to do this,” she replied.

“I—Ah, That is—I simply thought there was a need…” he stammered not having expected her praise or her support so easily.

She kissed him quickly. “You can work on the details a little at a time. I know this will be appreciated…”

“You think so?”

“Of course. Things are changing. The Chantry is not the answer to everything. It’s the people themselves who will come up with answers to the problems they face. Just as you are doing with this.

“What of you, Nyssa? I wouldn’t expect you to help me—"

“Why wouldn’t I help you? If it’s important to you, then it is important to me. And I have seen what quitting lyrium has down to you, what it _is_ doing to you. Why would I not want to help?”

“Nys—"

“Maybe I wouldn’t help with everything, but I would help. And I can find something to do elsewhere if you ever get tired of me.”

“Don’t ever say that. I will never get tired of you. _Ever_.”

“Cullen…”

“I mean it, Nys.”

She nodded as he a thought came to him. “Someone will have to write the history of the Inquisition. Someone who was there. You could do that. You could write the history of the Inquisition in addition to the research papers you have planned to write.”

“That is an awfully tall order.”

“I have faith in you.”

She made a face but giggled. “I suppose I could…”

“You could also retell the stories of your world as fairytales here. Pretend you are transcribing them from a person from your world who was lost to history on this one. Or you could ghost write those stories. I know people would read them. Varric has already talked about setting you up with his publisher…”

“You’ve talked about this with Varric?”

“Well only after he brought it up. He has a copy of the rough draft of the book you had made for me. He believes those stories and ones like them would be popular…”

“Cullen, I hadn’t made up my mind when we talked about that—"

“This was before…”

She looked at him in disbelief. He shook his head. “I want to be able to provide a safe and secure future for you but that doesn’t mean keeping you from doing what you love. You love history and writing and researching. You could still do all those things while I tend to a Templar sanctuary. As long as I were able to ready the stories _first_ before they are published…”

“Ah. So that’s the real reason for this suggestion. You want more stories about knights.”

“As long as the knight retires with his amazingly strong and resilient lady, yes.”

“Do you want me to write a story about us?”

“Only if it has a happy ending like I know we will.”


	12. Practice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As repairs to Skyhold are underway, the Advisors look for ways to ensure that visitors have a safe, reliable way to reach the ancient fortress. To help facilitate that effort on her end, Josephine asks Anyssa to give a tour of Skyhold to the first group of nobles invited to Skyhold. Unsure how to translate her skills from Earth to Thedas, Cullen once again offers to help despite his own issues with nobility.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***this moment takes place between chapter 22 ‘Friendship’ and chapter 23 ‘Notice’ in “Anchor”***

Cullen spent another evening working well past the evening meal. He, Leliana, and Josephine were busy making more plans to ensure safe travels to the remote home of the Inquisition. Pilgrims, volunteers, merchants, allies, and nobles all needed a better, safer way to make the journey then the original route from Haven. The long-abandoned road was being repaired while patrols were being assigned. Small outposts were being built along the road at his insistence.

Even with all the work that still needed to be done to the keep itself, the ambassador had already invited a group of nobles to visit. To show their progress she said. To annoy him he thought as he left the War Room.

The Commander paused at the door to the Great Hall. By this time most people were would have retreated to other areas of the keep but maintaining a professional air was still important. There might still be a few others about. Pushing his annoyance aside, he opened the door and preceded across the room towards the Rotunda door. Voices caught his attention as he glanced up from his reports. Gathered at Varric’s table by the hearth was the author, Vivienne, and Dorian. The trio sat at the table watching as a fourth person paced in front of the fire reading from several papers. It was Anyssa. She seemed to be receiving feedback from her small audience on something she'd written.

He paused before he was noticed and listened.

“You know, icy. Reading from cue cards isn’t going to hold their attention. Neither is memorizing a speech,” Varric remarked as he paused writing in his book.

“Yes, darling. The nobility are notorious for a fleeting attention span,” Vivienne commented. “I'm afraid you will need to be more lively to keep up.”

“Anyssa, you have quite possibly read everything in this keep. Read every historical document the Inquisition possesses. Written about things most of us only know a microscopic amount about. You have more information stored in that lovely head of yours than anyone else. Surely thinking on your feet would be a simple thing,” Dorian said as he inclined his head.

Anyssa fidgeted with the papers as she admitted, “I suppose I do know a lot. I just don't have any experience with giving tours to nobles. I mean--I don't—"

“Anyssa! I did not expect to find you still up and with an audience no less,” Cullen called deciding to rescue her from her predicament.

Ice blue eyes immediately found his as he resumed his approach. “I was asking for advice on how to conduct the tours Lady Montilyet asked me to give to the arriving nobles.”

“She has the knowledge. She just needs to assert the confidence I know she has,” Vivienne said as she rose to her feet. “I hope we have been of help, but I really must retire. I too have business with our guests tomorrow. Pleasant dreams.”

As the Court Enchanter walked away Dorian added, “You will do fine. Just remember you are better than nobility. You are our lovely historian from another world. Goodnight.”

The Tevinter mage followed the Iron Lady as Varric chuckled. “Yeah sure. Just mention that bit and you won't be able to get rid of those nobles.”

Cullen cleared his throat. “I think _that_ is something we would wish to avoid.”

“You are no fun, curly,” the dwarf pouted as Anyssa continued to fidget with her papers.

The Commander ignored him as he went to the historian. Quietly he offered, “May I walk you to your quarters? It is getting late.”

She silently nodded as they walked towards the garden door. All the way through the covered path up the steps to her door, she said not one word. She was nervous. Not because of him but because of the task the ambassador had assigned to her.

As they approached her door Cullen asked, “May I come in for a few minutes?”

She looked up at him as her hand reaching for the door. “Yes.”

They quickly entered, Cullen shutting the door behind them. He watched as Anyssa let out a growl of frustration, tossing the papers she read from earlier onto the sofa. He had come to know that she would only show frustration behind closed doors and only to certain people. He was fairly certain he was the main one.

She kept her back to him as he moved to start a fire. His attention divided between his self-appointed task and her. Knowing she would not start the conversation, Cullen noted, “I did not realize Josephine had asked you to provide our impending guests with a tour of Skyhold. She did not mention it during our meeting this evening.”

The Earth woman made a huffing noise. “She only asked me literally minutes before the meeting started.”

“I'm sure she thought it would help the nobles see the value of their need support to the Inquisition,” he offered as he stood up and walked to the sofa.

“I don't I haven't anything prepared really, and I don't know what they want to hear,” she protested.

Cullen retrieved the discarded papers exchange for his reports. He studied them carefully as he realized she was afraid she would mishandle the situation. Her notes were well organized, flowing like an address or speech to be given to a large group. Under normal circumstances it would be highly informative and, at least to him, remarkably interesting. He however was not the target audience. Nobles were… He doubted their attention would remain fixated on one thing for long. If she could just--

“Did you not say once that you attended parties with clients or something to that effect?” Cullen asked, an idea coming to him. “You use those as an opportunity to gain new clients correct?”

He glanced up from the papers to see her looking back. Nodding she said, “Yes but what does that—”

“More than likely the nobles will prattle on about their own interests and knowledge. Could you ... I'm uncertain how to phrase this…” he paused considering his words. “Share bits of information related to what they talk about... perhaps finding a way to relate it back to Skyhold or the Inquisition itself.”

“You want me to talk to the nobles on a tour and chat them up like I would clients to get their business?” she said skeptically.

“Essentially isn't that part of the reason Josephine is having you do this in the first place?” he pointed out with an arched eyebrow.

“Earth history is one thing. I've known that all my life but Thedas…”

“I realize you have only known it for a few months. Even with that limitation, you know it better than most native Thedosians,” the Commander insisted, convinced he was right, and she could perform the task if she only believed in herself.

“Cullen.”

“You do.” He gave her the crooked grin he knew she rarely said no to. He was right. She had to see that.

Anyssa sighed. “Cullen, it’s not the same.”

“Well, no. The subject matter is different. The audience is different. Perhaps the end goals are different as well,” Cullen conceded as he folded up the papers and tossed them aside.

She looked at him doubtfully as he began walking towards her. She remained silent as he continued in a gentle tone, “The methodology you used would be the same would it not?”

He watched as the historian bit her lip, contemplating his words. “I ... I suppose.”

Cullen stood before her hooking a finger under her chin encouraging her to look at him. “Nys. You can do this. You have the knowledge and the experience. You are just nervous because you have not practiced those skills _here_.”

She took a breath. She opened her mouth to say something as he lowered his hand. She hesitated and motioned to say something again.

Cullen could tell she wanted to ask something but with embarrassed. “Nyssa, you can tell me anything. You know that don't do you not?”

She nodded.

“Good,” he replied giving her a reassuring smile. “Now what still troubles you?”

“I just... Would you... help me practice? Just for a little while?”

He automatically nodded. “Of course... but how exactly?”

“Um ... just ask random questions ... maybe things you've heard nobles mention or something,” she suggested with a shrug.

“I would only have to ask the question not act as they do correct?” he said uncertainly.

Anyssa nodded with a hopeful smile. “Please, Cullen?”

That smile. The one he could never deny. He would do anything to see that smile including asking impertinent, frivolous, ludicrous questions nobles would in order to help her practice. He sighed. “Yes.”

Her smile grew wider as she began to practice her craft. Yes, the Commander thought. He would do anything to see her smile.


	13. Unreasonable

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the Inquisition makes plans for their final confrontation with Corypheus, Cullen expresses his concerns about the Eluvian to Morrigan. The Witch of the Wilds' response does not set well with the Commander and Anyssa is the only one who can set his mind at ease.
> 
> “People don't deem that a thing being reasonable if their emotions are touched. Lovers aren't unreasonable, are they?”
> 
> ~Graham Greene, The End of the Affair (1951)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **this moment takes place after chapter 49 "Red Lyrium" in Anchor**

Anyssa watched as the Commander of the Inquisition's army growled at the paper he was currently supposed to be writing a letter on. She had watched him through several false starts as he worked his jaw. Obviously something was troubling him and had been for most of the evening. He'd come from a meeting with Leliana and Morrigan. Something that obviously rubbed him the wrong way.

At the moment, she was beginning to regret agreeing to visit with him after dinner as he rose from his desk. She tracked his movements with her eyes as he went to the hearth retrieving his throwing daggers. Cullen walked over to the dummy in the corner and began throwing them. Yes. Bothering him was an understatement. Frustrated was a better word but also not accurate enough.

Anyssa watched him throw all the knives and then retrieve them. As he began again she debated whether she should say something yet or let him get more of it out of his system. Either way he would snap at her and fume for a moment and then begrudgingly began to talk to her. It had become a recognizable pattern with him. She had her own way of responding as well, but she did open up to Cullen after going through it. It still amazed her that not only could she open up to him but she had someone to open up to in the first place.

“You're staring,” a low annoyed voice called her back to the present.

She blinked as she watched him glance at her from the corner of his eye. Had she been?

“Yes, Nys. You've been staring,” he answered her unspoken question. His tone was definitely smug.

Anyssa watched as he completed another round of knife throwing. She turned red in the firelight as he once again retrieved his daggers.

He turned to her. “What is on your mind?”

She made a face as she said, “ _That_ was what I was going to ask _you_ actually.”

The Commander arched an eyebrow. “Why would you think—"

“You've been growling at whatever you been writing _and_ you’re throwing daggers now. So what has _you_ frustrated?”

He narrowed his eyes. “I am _not_ frustrated.”

“Then put down the daggers and talk to me.”

Collins scowled but did as she requested. Once the daggers were back on the mantle he rested his hand on the wood, gazing intently into the fire. As was his habit, he wanted to collect his thoughts. His need to carefully prepare an answer was born out of his past experiences. He did not want to be misunderstood. He wanted to be perfectly clear in his thoughts, beliefs, and actions. That included his relationship with her.

She gave him the time he needed. She had learned to do that well before they began their relationship. Finally he cleared his throat and took a breath.

“Apparently Morrigan believes me to be ... _unreasonable_ ,” Cullen admitted slowly.

“Unreasonable? _You_?” Anyssa asked, trying and failing to hide her amusement

Her reaction earned her a glare from him. “I am _not_ unreasonable.”

Anyssa watched as the Lion of Ferelden pouted. At least for him he was pouting. Eyes cast away, his jaw set, his brow furrowed. “Cullen, what _exactly_ brought this on?”

He made a face. “I told her I did not believe it was a good idea to have the Eluvian in Skyhold or leave it unguarded ... She said I obviously did not understand the Eluvian and offered to explain how it works... using words with less than four syllables.”

She arched an eyebrow as a grin tugged at her lips.

Clearly not happy with her reaction he grumbled, “The Circle had a library. I am fairly well read... You have seen what I read. You have borrowed my books—"

He cut himself off as she began laughing. The Commander scowled again as he asked, “ _What_ is so humorous?”

“I'm sorry, Cullen,” Anyssa said between bouts of laughter. “You are just... Why do you care what she thinks? I know you aren't ignorant. So do you ... So why—"

“Because she assumed she knows me based solely on the fact I was once a Templar... I am _more_ than that. I—"

The Commander cut himself off as he watched the historian put aside her book and rise to her feet. His golden-brown eyes tracked her movements as she walked towards him. She came to stand in front of him, regarding him with a gentle smile as he tried to say something.

Anyssa stopped him when she cupped his face with both hands, grazing her thumbs over his lips. His eyes watched her questioningly. “You are a protector. Whatever you have endured in the past, you are a protector. You are someone who wants to understand and when you don't you read. You ask. You try to find the knowledge. You are so many things, and many of those you are just now rediscovering.”

“Nyssa, I—"

“I'm right, Cullen,” she insisted as she kissed him quickly. He made a contented noise as he kissed her back, tilting her head just so. She murmured against his lips, “Rediscovering how to kiss is not one of those things.”

“Now why did Morrigan’s comments upset you so much?”

“They did not upset.

A stern look from her cut off his protest. “ _Fine_... It was as I said. She assumes things about me because of one aspect of my life. But that was not enough for her. Apparently my relationship with you is...”

He trailed off as he placed his hands over hers. Anyssa watched as he turned away gently pulling her hands from his face.

“Cullen?”

“She said it was a _farce_. A fumbling attempt to make myself feel better in spite of my past. To appear presentable.”

Without a second thought, she rose up on her tip toes and kissed him. He returned it without hesitation.

Gripping his mantle for balance she continued to kiss him until the need for air was too great.

She pulled back as Cullen’s arms went around her waist keeping her from retreating further. He took a shaky breath, still not used to her taking the lead in their blossoming relationship. “What ... Why did you do that?”

“Because I wanted to,” she said quietly repeating her words after the first time they had kissed not that long ago.

He leaned forward pressing his forehead against hers. “I don't ... This is real to me. Wanting you... wanting to be with you is real to me. I want it as much as I want to atone and cease lyrium. I—"

“I know, Cullen ... I believe you. Morrigan is wrong.”

“I know that but her words... Dragging you into this nonsense... I had always read books. Even as a child my mother knew it to get me books as a gift ... I continue to read once I became a Templar. That habit remains today. You've seen it ... I like...”

“It's okay to like reading. I—"

He pulled away. “No, Nyssa. It's _more_ than that now. I like reading because now I can do so with you.”

“With me?”

“Yes. You have been so passionate about learning everything you can since coming here. You read everything. You've discovered things I did not even know. I like having that in common with you ... I—"

“Then maybe you should listen to me instead of some random woman you've met once.”

“Twice,” Cullen corrected quietly. “She was in the wardens party which liberated the tower.”

She nodded. “Twice then. I think I might know you better though. _Maybe_.”

“There is a fair chance it is more than maybe, Nys,” he murmured as he leaned in towards her again.

“So you aren't frustrated anymore?”

“Why should I be frustrated when I have you in my arms?”

“Because I think you can be unreasonable sometimes too.”

He let out a growl as he claimed her lips in a searing kiss. “Is it unreasonable to want to change? To atone? To be grateful I have the life I have now that includes you?”

Anyssa tried to answer in between kisses as he held her tightly. Finally he pulled back and gazed into her ice blue eyes. “Is it unreasonable to want to appreciate what we have in common, what brought us together, what keeps us together?”

“It's unreasonable to believe that everyone will see our relationship for what it is,” she finally said. “Especially when we haven't been forthcoming with it.”

“But why—"

“You are unreasonable sometimes but not when it counts. I like your unreasonableness. It's endearing.”

“Maker’s breath.”

“You're stubborn too. Singularly focused on occasion. Sometimes judgmental. Narrow minded..”

“None of this sounds endearing.”

She smiled. “Maybe not when I say it like that, but a reasonable man would never have made a promise to protect a woman from literally another world after knowing her for less than a day.”

Cullen looked as if he were about to retort but hesitated. Instead he said, “So I am unreasonable because I care for you? My unreasonableness as you say is a redeeming quality that allowed me to care for you?”

Anyssa nodded. “If you were anything other than what you are I wouldn't be here. I wouldn't be where I am today. I would still be scared of everything and everyone unable to believe that people could care about me. All because you took a chance on me when by all rights you shouldn't have.

He caressed her cheek with a gloved hand. “In that case, I am eternally grateful to the Maker for my unreasonableness. I could not bear to be without you. The first time I saw you something called to me. Now I know I what that was.”

He cut himself off. She frowned. “ _What_ do you know?”

Cullen chuckled. “That I had met someone as unreasonable as myself.”

“I am not…” Her protest was swallowed by a kiss.

“Dragons, Nys. We went to Crestwood for you to see a real dragon.”

“But I was just was—"

“ _Unreasonable_.” He grinned as he prevented further words with a tender kiss.

Perhaps they were both unreasonable in their own ways. But if they hadn't been they might never have found each other period instead perhaps continuing to be unreasonable would be the better choice.


	14. Water

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Cullen has a night terror involving her, Anyssa realizes that she has not faced her own fear. Vowing to correct that, she ventures from Skyhold without Cullen’s knowledge only to be faced with a truth both of them still struggle to accept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This Moment takes place Chapter 50 Home and Chapter 51 Endings in "Anchor"***
> 
> ***Maybe a TW: mentions Cullen's night terrors and Anyssa's fear of frozen water***

For once Anyssa McBride was awake before the Commander of the Inquisition's army. Or more accurately, she had never gone back to sleep after being jolted awake by cries for help from the one sharing her bed. It had been a night terror. Something she had grown custom to as she and Cullen grew closer.

In recent weeks, the frequency of their occurrence had gradually begun to diminish. They both silently hoped that the longer he was off lyrium the less frequent they would eventually become. Out loud, however, Cullen admitted that he believed he would always suffer from them in one form or another. She could hope and pray that he would face them less often overtime. She could even learn to live with it. What Anyssa could not live with was watching Cullen face his fears every day and night while pretended her own fears didn’t exist.

As the historian rode Argo out of Skyhold down towards the military encampments, she mentally berated herself again. Since coming to Thedas she had only been near a frozen lake once and that had been by accident. Lost in her thoughts until Cullen had found her, she wandered too close to the frozen lake near Haven. In their time at Skyhold she had traveled near the frozen river with others but always making sure to use her companions as an unwitting buffer. At Crestwood, the lake had not caused her any problems. The creeks, ponds, and other bodies of water she'd come across during her handful of excursions from Skyhold caused her no great concern either.

But they had not been frozen...

After Cullen's most recent nightmare involved him calling over and over for her, she realized letting her fear win was not the way she wanted to live. There was no rift to pull her under. No one chasing her onto a frozen pond. No demons clawing their way to her. There was no need for rescue. Only the need to try and face her fear. Cullen couldn't shield her from everything as much as he might want to. She had to do some things for herself.

As the trail forked ahead of her, she veered Argo towards the left away from the soldier encampments and towards the woods. Not far ahead was a small lake she had passed many times before on rides with Cullen. It would do. She needed to do this. Without Cullen. _Alone_.

For herself to try to reclaim something she felt she lost.

To prove she could.

***

_“Commander! Commander Cullen!”_ A frantic voice came from the other side of the wooden door.

The former Templar buttoned up his shirt confused as to what could cause such a fuss an hour before he normally began his duties. He had stayed the night in Anyssa’s room above the garden. Plagued by nightmares involving the historian, the Commander had been surprised to wake to find an empty bed, save a note stating she needed to get an early start.

Even accounting for the odd feeling of waking alone in her room, he still could not fathom what the pounding on the door could be about. His standing orders were not to come to Anyssa’s room unless it were an emergency. Had Corypheus ...

“Commander! It's Lady McBride!” The Messenger finally shouted as Cullen immediately walked to the door, yanking it open.

“What about Lady McBride?” He demanded gruffly. “Is she safe? Where is she?”

“She saddled her horse and left the keep. She told the watch she was going for a ride near the encampments. No one thought anything of it because she has done it before... This time she veered off into the woods at a full gallop according to a patrol.”

Cullen frowned as he ushered the Messenger out. “She was not being pursued?”

“No, Commander. The patrol captain dispatched a scout to track her however.”

The Commander walked with purpose as he said, “Have my horse saddled and—"

“Master Dennet is already preparing your horse, Sir,” the Messenger interrupted.

Cullen glanced at the younger man who offered, “Many of the men look up to her. She is kind and she is important to you, sir…They do not want anything to happen her, Commander.”

“I see... Thank you,” he said as he continued to his office to grab his cloak before departing after Anyssa. The fact his men had taken the initiative to look after her in his stead was not lost on him.

What could have driven her to leave Skyhold as she had and lie about her destination? There was nothing down that path of interest except the view they enjoyed during horseback riding...

What was she thinking?

***

Ajax thundered down the snowy trails Cullen frequented with Anyssa when time permitted. With the whereabouts of Corypheus unknown they had not been engaging in that particular diversion as of late. He didn't want to chance that the Elder One would use her against the Inquisition, against _him_ especially with the capture of Samson. The fear that something might happen to her was accentuated by the fact she had not told him what she had planned. Perhaps she had not lied with her note. She said she needed an early start. But an early start for what?

He followed the two sets of tracks down the path until he met the scout tasked with following Anyssa. The young elven man made a motion to keep the Commander silent as he approached. As Ajax came to a stop, he followed the scout’s gaze.

Ahead through a stand of trees stood Anyssa near the frozen pond. Argo was tied to a low hanging branch as the historian continued to stand on the shore unmoving.

Quietly the scout reported, “She hasn't moved from that spot since arriving, Commander. Occasionally she talks to her horse, but she hasn't budged.”

Cullen nodded as he said, “Thank you, scout. I'll take it from here. Please tell Captain Lysette to proceed with the morning drills without me.”

“Yes, Sir.” The young man saluted and rode off back towards Skyhold.

Cullen continued to watch Anyssa silently for several long moments. She wore the blue scarf he had given her months ago in Haven as well as the blue cloak she’d been given by Vivienne. Argo grazed on the limited vegetation as his master gazed at the frozen water just a few feet away.

What was she doing? She had purposely avoided frozen water of any kind since her arrival in Thedas. The night Corypheus had attacked Haven had been the only time he had seen her near frozen water since. That night had revealed many truths to the Commander. The one that concerned him at the moment revolved around the unspoken fear she had of frozen water. Now she stood not more than two feet from the edge of a frozen pond motionless.

Before he could formulate a plan of action, he watched as Anyssa took a slow step forward. The toe of her left foot pointing out, hovering mere inches above the ice.

His heart pounding loudly in his chest, Cullen yelled from his hiding spot, “ _Anyssa_!”

Startled, the historian glanced up in his direction as she set her foot down. Without realizing where her boot landed she slipped out onto the frozen pond.

Cullen watched as she landed with a surprised yelp. Without a second thought, he dismounted Ajax and ran to her aid.

“ _Nys_! Nyssa! I'm coming!” He tried to assure her.

As he cleared the trees that had separated them, he found the historian sprawled out on the ice only a foot or so from the shore. She laid on the ice as if to make a snow angel looking up at him in annoyance.

He skidded to a halt confused by her expression. He had been prepared for the worst-case scenario of the ice breaking; Anyssa plunging into the freezing water.

Instead she laid unceremoniously on the ice glaring up at him as she said, “Are you just going to stand there or are you going to help me up?”

“I... You ... Why…” Cullen stuttered not expecting her reaction.

“ _Fine_. Don't be the chivalrous knight all those Orlesian ladies claim you to be,” Anyssa snapped as she attempted to get up.

“No…I ... Let me help,” he said trying to regain his composure. He quickly bent down and extended a hand towards her. “Nyssa, I did not mean to startle you but you—"

“I _know_ ,” she said quietly as she took his hand, her demeanor changing instantly. “I just—"

“Are you hurt?”

“My pride I suppose.”

“ _Anyssa_.”

“And my bottom... And my head...”

Cullen quickly scooped her up off the ice and carried her bridal style away from the pond. She struggled weakly against his efforts but calmed as he murmured, “I caused it. Let me fix this ... Let me take care of you, Nys.”

“Cullen, you've been taking care of me since the day I arrived in Thedas…And I ran off ... _again_ ,” she said against his shoulder, clearly irritated with herself.

He set her down as he replied, “You didn't go far, and you know I will _always_ come for you. I love you.”

Ice blue eyes met his as she whispered, “I know, and I should act like it, but I am…”

“Still having to learn how,” Cullen finished for her. “ _I_ have much to learn about loving you as well... In fact we both have fears that we do not have to face alone any longer.”

He watched as she bit her lip. “I shouldn't have…”

The Commander shook his head as he gently began checking her for injuries. “I should have realized that you had not resolved everything concerning your arrival here.”

As his fingers probed her scalp for any signs of injury she played with the fur lining of his cloak. “Maybe we both have things to overcome together... Things we should be okay discussing with the other?”

“Such as your fear of frozen water and my nightmares?”

She nodded as his fingers found a bump on the back of her head. She winced as he looked at her apologetically. “I am sorry, Nys. I should not have called out to you like I did.”

“You just startled me that's all.”

“Why did you ... I thought I had caused you to fall through the ice ... but you were…just annoyed with me.”

“Yes I was ... and I was just trying to distract myself from the fact I could have fallen through the ice again.”

“I would have saved you just as before. Just as I always will,” Cullen said sincerely. “Just as you have saved me.”

“But I _should_ be able to face this fear of water on my own ... You face your nightmares—"

“With _you_ at my side Nys,” he corrected. “I was wrong to think I must face my fears alone. I have done so for nearly ten years. Believe me when I say that while you can do so alone, you do _not_ have to. _You_ taught me that.”

“I still can't believe we're together. That _this_ is my life. That I have _you_ and then you care as you do.”

“Neither can I sometimes. It all seems so fanciful,” Cullen agreed as he cradled her head tenderly in both hands. “Yet here we are. _Together_. Starting to plan for future we never believe possible. I—"

He cut himself off and kissed her instead. “Just promise me you won't do this alone again. Please?”

“I promise.”

“Good. While I do not doubt your ability to swim, we do not want a repeat of your arrival…” the Commander mused as he grew thoughtful. “Though ...”

He trailed off. Anyssa looked at him curiously. “What?”

He glanced down at her with a mischievous glint in his golden-brown eyes. “Making sure you are warm afterward might be—"

“Cullen Stanton Rutherford!”

“Forgive me,” he chuckled as he watched her cheeks turn pink. “Perhaps my cloak instead?”

“No,” Anyssa replied as she shook her head. She offered a different solution. “The blanket from your bed. The fur one _and_ you.”

“Are you certain?”

“I am always certain when I'm with you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is final chapter for “Moments.” I am working on the direct sequel to “Anchor” and hope to begin posting it in early January. “Ripples” will focus on Cullen and Anyssa’s journey from the time Corypheus was defeated to Trespasser. Until then, thank you for reading about their journey thus far, and they will see you again soon.


End file.
